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LDR has caused me to reflect on my life and relationship with close friend - help!


Guest hoshizuku

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Guest hoshizuku

It all started in first year of university when I met classmate Alex. Alex was one of those people that is cool, quiet and to the side. I was almost immediately attracted to him, so I tried to get to know him as a friend. It was not until a term later before he finally considered me as a 'friend'. In the summer we didn't have much contact hence I sort of gave up as I was afraid to ask him out. He was a friend that I didn't want to scare away.  
Right after that time, I was approached by a classmate Carl. We clicked pretty quickly and started dating. You could almost say Carl was the complete opposite - loud, outgoing and popular in the class. My parents don't approve of him at all because of his background and attitude, however I toughed out 2 years of my parents' nagging and criticisms just to be with him - that's how much I wanted him. We sometimes would bump into Alex but I considered him nothing more than a friend, as I was official with Carl.  
Third year came by and I'm still in a relationship with Carl. We spent a lot of time together and care for each other. Graphics was the thing that really brought us together, though some things I get irritated about is his lack of initiative to do stuff together. For instance he could spend a day sitting beside me but not initiate doing anything with me until I ask him to. We used to make lunch together but for the past half of the year I've been the one who mostly cooks (he's too lazy to initiate cooking). I also do quite a bit of administrative things for him. I have mentioned about his hygiene and he's working on it. We've only had one major fight that we almost broke up over, but we sorted things out pretty quickly.
Alex on the other hand cooks practically every meal for himself and isn't a big fan of outside food - sometimes I even get to taste sample leftovers. I don't know how it started, but Alex and I message each other on a frequent daily basis (Carl knows I don't have many friends and I consider Alex one of my closer ones - plus since Alex and I have a lot of hobbies and interests in common, we share a lot of links and suggestions to each other). Alex also has his flaws, such as his lack of socialization. However there were times when he would do things out of his way, like buying tea when I was really sick and couldn't go get some - I said it was fine to get it sometime during the week after school and he did it before class started in the morning.  
Carl and I have talked about our future together. He plans on going wherever his job takes him, and I fully support that. On the other hand I don't feel prepared to settle down for a job yet (I guess I have some growing up to do). I think he has a clearer picture of our future together, but it's beginning to get hazy for me. To make it worse (or if this makes any sense at all), for the past three years I dream about Alex (like talking in school and taking the subway together) 10 times more than I dream about Carl.  
Now it's the 4th year of university and Carl chose to go on an exchange several timezones away. I'm the type to really miss interaction with my SO, while Carl doesn't miss it as much (we both acknowledged it). We hardly talk to each other and when we do it feels like we're just doing light talk. I try to suggest activities that we could do together over the internet, but when I ask what he wants to do he never has any ideas.  
Because of the loneliness, I took this as an opportunity for self-improvement - joining new clubs and such in order to divert my attention away from missing Carl. As an aside, Alex also moved in to the unit next to mine (as I recommended that the location I was at was pretty good for the price, though I was surprised he was actually okay about moving here). We do things together whenever we're both free, like get groceries and lunch. He also started teaching me card games and tricks, as well as fitness skills.  
Alex is pretty happy about his single life. Sometimes he would say "psh, you couples" and last Valentine's day he would be like "happy singles day" to me. Lately though, he asked about how Carl was doing on his exchange (I guess it was just a conversation starter?). I honestly couldn't answer him as I really don't talk much with him anymore. We've gotten physically closer (in the past he would sit two seats away from me but now he's more comfortable around me I guess). Frankly speaking, I know more about Alex's family than Carl's even though we've been dating for over 2 years. One of the most nervewracking questions I have is what Alex's stance in all this - like does he think of me as a younger sister or something?  
More recently I started to feel regret of not being bold enough to confess to Alex in the past, but I stop that thought as I think of how our friendship progressed to the present.  No way would I ever want to cheat on Carl who I really do care about. I'm so confused of my feelings right now it hurts my head.  
My greatest fear out of all this is losing Alex as a close friend AND hurting Carl (plus losing contact) if we eventually break up. We all still have the same classes, so I feel things would get really awkward if anything changes.
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TL:DR Got time to reflect on a comfortable relationship because of a sudden change to LDR; too stupid to realize and still in denial that I still have feelings for a first-year university crush that became my close friend; don't know what I should do.

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