Waited and found my soulmate...then she left! My current dilemma.

EDIT: Soulmate was the wrong word to use but keeping that in title.

Warning: My apologies but this might be a long read. I will be relaying my emotions here so if you don't want to read that kind of stuff, I gave ample warning .  My apologies.

Growing up, I always had the idea of meeting a special person and spending the rest of my life with that person. I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but in my grade school years I have had people that had crushes on me. I dismissed them as childish and unproductive waiting for my adult years to meet an individual that would complete me mentally and spiritually.

As I matured, I found that, contrary to my adolescence, I began to become attracted to Korean women. I told my mom that her daughter-in-law was going to be Korean. I wanted to find a woman that could teach me my ancestral culture. Going through college I encountered Koreans but found them to be very different from me. Being a 3^rd generation Korean-American, not speaking Korean initially (learned it through college), and never having many Korean friends, it was very difficult to engage in any sort of relationships with Korean nationals (as friends).

It wasn't until Fall 2010, when I transferred to university, that I met the person that I had been waiting for. She was an international student from Korea and was about to graduate but needed to take an unrelated class in her major (she was a math major, and we were taking an art class) to fulfill her graduation requirements.

With English not one of her stronger skills, she asked if I could help her. I did and treated respectfully like how I would treat any other woman. I have a strong respect for the female gender. I would reread articles and explain it to her in a way she could understand. I also helped her study for the tests.

The class ended and we started to hang out more frequently as I started to give her English lessons. These English lessons began to turn into a relationship where we started to talk about our personal dreams, God, etc. We would go to the beach, go hiking, and museums. Even though I wasn't a Christian (I believe in God, however) I went with her to church, even dawn prayer service. We started to spend quality time with each other. I enjoyed just being there with her.

One night at the beach, I told her that I protect my friends and that I am loyal to them but do not expect the same in return since I know that most people cannot. She told me to let my guard down and let her be able to take care of me as well.

Long story short, I finally confessed my emotions to her that night. With tears streaming down my face, I told her I loved her. Not knowing how she would respond, I was scared. This was the first person I had ever had feelings for. She then held my hand as I drove home.

She knew my goals in life as I had talked about it before we got together. I told her that I was a one woman man and that I only wanted one relationship in life and that the person I had it with would be my wife. She agreed to this as we had basically already shared everything with each other before I told her my feelings.

I introduced her to my parents and they loved her. Her dad, who never liked any of her boyfriends before, liked me without even seeing me. Her mom was already planning a wedding in Korea.

She finally went back to Korea. I believe that love can transcend distance and I told her to always remember that I was there with her in spirit. In Korea we talked everyday. Since there is a 16 hour difference between LA and Korea, I would wake up an hour early before work so I could talk to her before she went to sleep. I would also go home after school and talk to her when she woke up. That way she would not have to inconvenience herself just to talk to me.

She finally got a job in Korea and I was happy. However, she started to become more distant from me. She also started to become distant from her parents and they were getting disappointed with her. She would only talk to me when she was bored. I understood that her job was very stressful but I urged her to talk to me so she didn't have to deal with it alone.

In America, she said that I was the first in her life – before God of course. I equally viewed her as my queen and she became my priority in life. I started to save my money from work for her graduate school here in the states, but I never told her. I also restructured my future plans

To cut things short, her feelings for me had changed. Seeing how our conversations began to change, I had to get it out of her through various questioning methods but she finally told me that her job was more important than me – not in those words, but alluded to it. She also asked me if I could wait for 2 years and see if she changed her mind.  I of course said NO!  (I kind of regret it now...)

We had a discussion about it and I told her that I would let her be free so she can pursue her dreams instead of having to worry about me. She didn't protest. Of course, I didn't want to say it but I wanted to see her reaction. I wanted her to come back to me. I told her that I could never open my heart to anyone again and that didn't budge her.

The next day I told her I would come to Korea so we could talk things out and she said, “Why are you coming to Korea?” That comment stabbed me in the heart and made me feel a pain that I had never felt before. She acted as if we never had that conversation and as if we never knew each other. I let it be and told to her forget it if she really had no clue.

Since she was supposed to come back to America for a visit, I held her car at my place. Therefore there was a reason for us to meet again, if anything, so I could give it back. I wrote long emails to her between that time and she would reply with one sentence replies, such as, “I'm sorry I put you through trouble.”

Finally she came back to America, and I was infuriated at her capricious nature that she had been talking to me a couple of days before. I finally felt a rage that I never experienced before and wish for no one to ever feel. I felt like I wanted to kill someone. Luckily one of my friends took me out to cool me down.

While I was out with my friend, she called me and asked if I could pick her up. I did and I let it out on her since she couldn't escape me. She stayed silent the whole time. She finally said that we would talk before she went back to Korea. When I finally gave her her car, I hugged her and told her I missed her and she pushed me off. She was huffing by now. This was someone who would call me her 자기 and vice-versa (sorry cant really translate it, but something like “one with me”).

So she never contacted me and it's been over a year now since that incident. I take it she went back to Korea. I miss her and it is very hard to let these emotions die. I gave 100% of myself to her. I waited 24 years to meet that special someone. She came and then she left. She was the kindest person that I have ever met and I felt bad that people took advantage of her. But in the end, I should have guarded myself. I was an idiot to ever expect a woman that would love me the same way that I loved her. To think that I waited my whole life only to look like a fool.

Now, I figure maybe I should look elsewhere and try to get my mind off of her. However, I feel like this is betraying my core beliefs. Also, how can I trust a woman again? I want a woman that I can give 100% of myself and expect the same. However, my trust is completely shattered. I once trusted one person with my life and that didn't turn out good. What do you people think I should do?

A little thing about my personality though. I am quite reserved/shy and it is hard for me to strike up conversations with women. I also used to be into bodybuilding so for a Korean I am kind of big (about 240 lbs) and I know that a lot of Korean women are more into leaner guys? There's just so much against me!

So what should I do?  Do you women think that I was being a bit unrealistic?  Was I asking for too much?

Thank you for reading.

I'm very sorry that happened to you. But I think believing that she is your soul mate is the first problem. There isn't just one person for us- there could be lots of people we could have a good relationship with. I think one of the first steps in healing yourself is to acknowledge that although you really loved her and you feel like you were waiting your whole life for her that- that it ended and there isn't anything you can do about it.

I've seen this type of situation happen before- and I mean exactly like that. I know people who meet a Korean girl who is in Australia studying or on working holiday visa. They fall in love and start planning their future but when that girl goes back to Korea things start to fall apart. This type of thing is really normal for long distant relationships, and even relationships that aren't long distant. Most relationships end. Almost all first relationships end. Many people have felt the same way as you. The good news is that people move on and meet new people and actually end up having better relationships later.

The thing is, every time we fall in love we take a big risk. There is the chance we will have our heart broken. You can't try and guard yourself if you want a good relationship, you have to try and give everything even if it all ends.It's the risk everyone has to take. So even though you feel you can't trust again... and some point you have to try again if you want another relationship.

Try to remember that she was not special. It seems that way to you because you felt like you waited all your life for her. Perhaps you were projecting this idea onto her and not actually seeing her for who she really was. Either way, you need to take steps to get over her and move on with your life.

Hello MKHnic,

Thank you for your advise.  I have been told by one of my uncles Korean wife not to trust Korean girls that a lot of them are fickle.  They always change there minds and its hard for them to stay committed.  She instead recommended to look for a Korean-American.

Logically, I agree with your statement.  It is just so hard to do it when you are in the situation.  How would you recommend overcoming these feelings?

It is really hard. I had a bad breakup when I was 24 and it took me a long time to get over it. One of the problems when we have our heart broken is that we can't understand that the future will get better. We think that we will never get over them and we will be brokenhearted forever. It's hard to get out of that way of thinking. What helped me was seeing a counselor for a while and that helped me adjust my thinking and see things in a different way. Then I reevaluated my life and changed a lot of things. I went back to studying, I moved, I found new interests and new friends. Instead of thinking about my ex all the time I thought about myself and what I wanted from life. When I started doing that my life really improved and about 3 years later I met a guy that is a million times better than him. But before that happened I did a lot of good things with my life.

The soulmate idea is a trap. It doesn't help us when we are searching for a partner and it can make us unhappy. It' actually more positive to think of love as a choice- not some predestined thing- so that when you fall in love again both you and your partner are choosing to make a life together. Sometimes people think if someone is their soulmate that the relationship will be easy but all relationships involve work.

It probably is better  for you to try to date Korean American girls. I think Korean girls who are not permanent residents are more fickle because they know they will go back to Korea. I experienced the same thing with Korean guys, although they professed their love, in the end they always went back to Korea and things fell apart. I did end up with a Korean guy who didn't have residency here but he planned to live in Australia before he even met me, so there was no chance of him ever just going back to Korea like that.

Anyway, I hope you start to feel better, things can look bleak but I know they can get better for you.

So this was your first relationship right?  It's really hard to just have one single relationship in your whole life these days... so yes, i think you were being unrealistic.   If she isn't willing to give you a chance, then you should move on.  With you loving her so much and her not giving the same emotion, there's no point.  
I think a Korean-American would be easier to work with since your a 3rd gen korean-american.  Since you believed that she was the one, it's gonna take a really long time for you to get over this.  I suggest get a hobby that would keep your mind occupied.  Go out more with your friends.   There's no point in dwelling over someone who doesn't want to be/work out the relationship with you.  You will find a person who will love you equally later on.  For now, focus on other goals you have.

Here is a hint: girls deep inside like guys who are jerks who are emotionally distant and reserved.
Just by reading your long post I felt a cringe inside me. You gave WAY too much of your heart to this girl. Girls like guys who have a life of their own.
I'm sorry to say but you lost her forever...and this will continue on with future girls unless you shape up your ways.
I suggest you focus on other things like your school or future goals. Hang out with your guy friends and take up a hobby (this doesn't mean wasting your time spending hours playing video games).
Also, it usually happens that the next one arrives when you least expect it.  B-)

I know I'm 15 and all that richard simmons but to me, I think it's normal for YOU to act like that.
I've been told many times (and have been proven true) that guys will love 3 girls in the life the most (other than their family)

1. Their first love (you, in this case)
2. Their Wife
3. Their soulmate

Or it could all be the same person.

Like rickertv2 said, you gave way too much to that girl & you thought a bit too unrealistially. You were blinded by that love.  
I'd be lying if I said you be able to get over her soon. First loves are the hardest to forget.
Just try and get yourself busy & distract yourself as much as possible.
Try not to have any -one person- moments , always have someone be there with you & distract you.
Thats all I can say, I'm not much help I guess :PP

one thing that stood out to me was 'distance.' i have to say that most people HAVE TO be realistic about that part. in a lovey dovey world, distance doesn't hurt a relationship when i think in reality it can bring much change to one. i believe the only relationships that distance can't change is family relationships. you can go away for 5 years and still love your mom the same, but if you're away for 5 years from a gf/bf the chances are low. not impossible, but very low.

there are girls out there who holds the same values as you too. you believe in 'soulmates', now you have to believe that she might not have been yours and that your real one is out there waiting to meet you too. i say that she did you some help in being honest with her relationship with you, meaning she didn't lead you on into the marriage. then how could that have felt???!

i also asked my husband to wait 3 years for me, he said 'heck nah! now or never.' haha. what i'm saying is that, things that are meant to happen will happen. just like Rascal Flatts' song, 'Bless the Broken Road'.

you are right, don't lose your core values over this situation. the next girl may deserve all the good that you are, don't let her receive less because of your past relationships. and giving someone our trust just show that we can love with our whole heart. i think you can love your real soulmate with all your heart and give her a good life. live a good, positive life, maybe when your ex sees you again, she will rethink her decisions and maybe have regrets. but as you have loved her wholeheartedly, you would never question what more you could have done because you did your best. good luck.

There needs to be more guys like you out there in the world *sigh*. I believe in soulmate lol. So don't think that all female are like that. Give in to the next girl 100% like you have given to this girl. Don't be discourage. There will be a girl who wants to put in 100% in a relationship.I am a girl btw.

She's just not the one for you, there are plenty of girls that are looking for somebody just like you. She's just too stubborn to see what she had, so make her regret it. As for the not trusting women anymore, you can't treat every relationship you have like the ones you've had in the past. That won't get you anywhere, it's okay to protect yourself, but if you think that every single woman you're going to meet after this incident, you're just going to be unhappy with all your future relationships. Not all girls are going to be like her, and there's a girl out there that's just waiting for her soulmate as well. You'll find her! ^^~ Or she'll find you. Whichever comes first.

I'm very sorry to hear that and on the other hand, I'm glad that there're still guys like you.

Basically, I'm pretty much in the same situation as you, like I'm the female version of you.

Very heartbroken, took sleeping pills to sleep and now it won't even work. Well, they say time heals everything, I hope it's true.

Good luck to you.

I don't mean to be harsh but I think the way you think is too old-fashioned for this modern world, HENCE why you are so hurt. I am not saying that what you believe is wrong, but you have to understand that a good majority of the rest of the world do not think the same as you do. They do not believe in one love, soul mates, forevers, and strong commitment. The young believe in dating and relationships (note: the plural means multiple people) - with some kind of caution.

I think she was definitely wrong for you in this sense. She doesn't believe in what you do and that already was bad. I agree with those who said you gave your heart away too much. You really did, especially for a girl who probably doesn't see relationships as highly as you do.

Don't let your guard down, but don't block yourself away from the world. I think one day you will find a girl who will love just as much as you love and care just as much as you care. I can see that girl being compatible with you. In the meanwhile, spend time keeping yourself busy like with work, school, a hobby - things that'll keep your mind off of her. Usually that helps lessen the pain while you wait for the right one to arrive.

Here is an article that may help you move on from her. If you stop seeing her as your 'soul mate' it will help. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201207/why-you-shouldnt-believe-in-soul-mates

tl;drI skimmed though. The comments.

2 options to go from here:
1. Keep thinking she's your "soulmate" or that special someone that no one will ever surpass. You know what? That's fine. I know people who, despite being committed to one person, still feel a connection to another person. They don't necessarily want to be with that second person, but there's a deep bond that they cannot escape. Personally, I believe that when you open yourself up to another human being & love them & cherish them, even when they leave, their absence doesn't take away any of the love you have for them. You only learn to live without them.
If you want to continue looking at her as your soulmate, go ahead. But do not assume that soulmates or special someones are always meant to stick around. I read somewhere that maybe sometimes, soulmates come to make you see yourself more clearly, and then go once their 'mission' is fulfilled. Maybe that really is how soulmates work. 
Also, you know, soulmates don't necessarily have to be romantic, do they?

2. You want to go by the conventional definition of a soulmate being that person with whom you have a romantic relationship & spend the rest of your life? Well, this girl left, so clearly she's not your soulmate. Now go out there & find the right one.

Hi wonyouk, first of all I just want to say that I really feel for you! I think it's really sweet that you wanted to wait for the right one and not just date anyone for the sake of it. As a result, congratulations, your first relationship was really meaningful and with someone that you genuinely care about.

However not all relationships are successful and people change over time. Just because she wasn't "the one", doesn't mean you will never meet another girl you care about just as much as her. I know it doesn't feel possible right now but so many people have gone through what you go through and have come through it and you will too!

However if your preference is for Korean-born Koreans I don't think you should give up just because you have had one bad experience. I have a friend who was the same as you (Korean-Canadian in this case), met his gf from Korea when she was studying in Canada and they got together. He then went on to medical school, she went back to Korea to work and waited for him for four years. He went back every end of year holiday and sometimes mid year too to see her. He's graduating end of this year and they got engaged beginning of they year and will get married in Korea right after he graduates.

So what I'm trying to say it can definitely work out although of course distance is hard and it's better if you can find a Korean girl who will be willing to stay in the US for a longer period of time (say 4-5 years) and you guys can decide whether or not you will get married within that time. Don't restrict yourself though, there may be some Korean-Americans who have more "traditional" values or know a lot about Korean culture (perhaps they came here when they were older like in their teens) and may be a happy medium, and perfect for you. And maybe try and date a few people out side of this group but don't force yourself if you don't feel anything, but I think that you too will change over time - you just feel stuck in limbo because you're really upset over loosing this girl - and maybe your preferences will change too.

That particular girl wasn't the one but you will definitely meet her. You are still young and surely there is someone that will appreciate you and love you; although it seems impossible now one day when you are looking back it will seem like a dream. You will remember many good things about your ex-gf but the painful feelings would have faded, and she will be just a happy memory of your youth.

Apparently I think its only one sided love here. If she was your soulmate, she would not have left you high and dry like that. You are under this notion that your soulmate has to be Korean and with this mentality, you seem to only look for a Korean partner. 
Having or finding a soulmate doesn't look at these things for a long lasting relationship for a future partner. Stop being so narrow minded and when the right person comes, then they come. 
Are you going to call every partner you come across or date a soulmate? I would only call a person my soulmate if we get up to the point of commitment and marriage. Other then that, we are just going to be "testing the waters" 

Hello Everyone,

Thank you for all of your advice.  Sorry for the late reply.  I figure that it is best to talk about problems so I decided to talk about my own and see what all of you all think.  Also, most of my personal friends are guys so I wanted to see what the ladies thought.

@MKHNic

I'm happy to hear that you had one that finally worked out

Thank you for sharing your own personal stories with us. Again, I used the wrong word to describe what I meant.  I couldn't think of the right word so I just used soulmate.  Probably should've used the word, "the one" or something to that degree.  I think that there is at least one person that is compatible (someone that can match us on a 1:1 level) with us so that is what I was trying to relate.

Also, thanks for your article.  It took time for us to actually begin dating.  We became really good friends and once we knew a lot about each other, then we started dating.  I agree that the relationship should be cultivated but I guess it was hard for her since I wasn't there with her physically. 

@xbeyoutifulx

I am heavily drenched in school as well as my job.  I also do a lot of volunteer work.  Before I met her, majority of my time was dedicated towards the aforementioned activities.  After she left me, I just decided to volunteer everyday that was possible.  Currently, everyday of the week I do some sort of volunteering.  It helps so that I do not really have to think about her but even driving in my car brings back memories.

@rickertv2

This is what many of my guy friends tell me.  I personally dislike that idea what from what I have seen, it seems like a lot of girls really like being treated like that.  It's almost as if its a game for both persons involved.  Thanks for the kinds words.

@Jenii_cho

Thanks for your contribution.  I think that it is possible to be young and understand love, although not many people at that age are mature enough.  Being blinded by love is very easy, but I tried not to do that when I was in the relationship.  I guess you really don't know until it is too late.

@itrayya

I really dislike that about distance relationships, but it seems to hold true.  I personally don't follow that mentality but I guess for others it is difficult.  I believe that when she went back to Korea, she probably found new things in her life that she didn't expect.  Being back in her homeland probably offered her new insights into life, which I guess I really can't blame her for.  I would have been fine with that but I just don't like being lied to.  I would have taken things slowly but she decided she was ready to go forward in our relationship.

As far as her being honest, I had to drag it out of her.  Even then, she didn't completely admit it but jumped through hoops to tell me the truth.  I always wonder what would happen if she came back to me.  I have kept my heart open for her return for the past year and a half, keeping hold to the 1% chance that she might want to rekindle.  If I ever do get into another relationship, I will not lose my values.  Thanks

@lightangel

Thanks for the words of encouragement   I figured that most girls would think this way but maybe I was wrong?  I know from my guy friends they are totally opposite from me hhee.

@eatmyriceplease

Thank you.  That is one thing that I dread.  I don't want to doubt the girl in my next relationship because of my past incident.  Maybe if I had not waited so long in dating it might have been different.

@jenn111

Wow I am so sorry to hear that!  I also had trouble sleeping as well but I never resorted to pain pills.  I did contemplate suicide many times but knew that it was not the answer.  Instead, I would just leave the TV on and let it drown me into sleep.  Problems of the heart can sometimes never be healed, but we can only hope for the best.

@blush

It is completely fine.  I admire honesty.  I understand that I am outdated in this modern world.  I've been told that since I was a kid.  I always tell people that I was born in the wrong era.  My interests in life are very different from my friends.  I also enjoy the company of older individuals (elderly people in their 60s, 70s, and 80s) a lot more than many people of my age.  Therefore, one of the places I volunteer is with elderly people.  They help take my mind off of a lot of things

@hiswendy

I guess that's part of my conflict.  If I find another girl, wouldn't it do her injustice if I even have a drop of feelings for my ex?  Shouldn't I purge her out of my system completely before moving on?  To be honest, even at this time, if I found another girl, deep down I would feel as if I were cheating.  I know it sounds ridiculous, but I take my commitments very seriously.  It would feel as if my words were cheap. 

Then again, some of my friends have said that I need to date or at least go out with women in order to get rid of those feelings.

@Lie

Good point.  It's easy to see the positive aspects of a person and ignore the incompatibilities.  As what some have said already, maybe it is for the best.  Maybe it can serve as a lesson to not do that in the future.

@Tamaraleee

Thanks for the words of encouragement.  Seems like your friend was really lucky

Hopefully I can keep her in my memory as you mentioned, free of pain.  I also do indeed wish her the best in her life.  I just wish that she would have ended the relationship without any ambiguity.  It really didn't come to a formal end, she just never called me back.  In other words, there are parts of me saying that she will, one day (whether 5 or 10 years), call me back.  It's very hard to tear myself away from the fact that she wants nothing to do with me.  I know its stupid but I was raised to be a loyal person.  I really want her to tell me in my face that it is over so that I can get a definitive answer, but all she does is ignore me.

@TeaHouse

I am not sure if I did not include it in my writings, but we were supposed to get married.  Was actually supposed to be this year.  So we were not "Testing the waters".  I already talked to her parents about it as well.  It wasn't just some dream that I concocted myself.

Woah. I read this whole thing.

I am a Christian, and I know you say you aren't one.. but that you believe God.
I don't know if being with one woman for your entire life was related to your beliefs in God. I totally understand that, because I was taught that you should give yourself FULLY to only your wife/husband. That doesn't mean that you will find your future fiancee and wife all in one try.. I agree with you, she hurt you, and she shouldn't have done that. I don't know everything about what happened since only such a little of information could be said here than there actually was. It is saddening that she seemed like a nice girl, and had the right motives, but things turned out that way for you.

You do need to know that people will screw each other over though. She hurt you, but I think its time to move on. Throughout life we try different things. We test everything, in hopes of finding the best thing for us. I believe thats how it is for relationships. You won't be "practicing divorce" or anything. You can do it. Just get out there when you're ready. You WILL find "the one". If its not this girl you're talking about, then its not your loss, its hers. Keep your head up .

I hope this helps. I don't want to seem so adolescent and too unrealistic.

In my experience, when a girl's feelings change like that, it usually means they met someone else. People get lonely, and in a girl's case, she's going to have men trying to charm her all the time. 
Heck, even when they live with you, you still have guys trying to give them their numbers, etc, etc. But, in a long distance relationship, unless there's a complete certainty that you will see each other again soon, and there's action behind it, this type of thing tends to happen. 
The feeling really sucks, but you have to try and get out of the funk. You're only young one time, and you don't want to waste away your time on someone who doesn't want what you want.
Also, do not make a long distance trip to see her when you know things have changed. A friend of mine did that, and ended up learning a very emotionally painful lesson. 

wonyouk I read your long post and found you to be  a rare specie but your core value is a lot like my boyfriend's. I too grew up knowing that I will have a husband and a family of my own one day but never once have I thought of it as finding a soul mate. I honestly think anyone can be loved... and you can make your significant other your soul mate if you wanted it to be so - and that in life you can have more than one soul mates. Soul mates - what are they exactly? You love and cherish them... and they like-wise to you. Some people claims of others to be their soulmates having known them very little and in little time... I think as long as the love is there, that person is your soul mate.

Those who aren't willing to compromise.. like your girl, well they lack a few things for you - it could be love, respect or even patience.

When a person do you wrong, it is best to forget and forgive and move on. This goes hand in hand with relationship too. You cannot let one woman put you down. Trust me, a lot of woman like a reserved-caring type of man as oppose to the mancho I'm-all-that type. You will be fine ... when the right time and lady comes along. You're only 24. My boyfriend didn't find me until he was in his late 25th year...