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Arranged Marriage. FML.

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Replies

  • kimbomynizzokimbomynizzo San Diego, CAPosts: 344Member
    edited March 2012
    To the OP, I'm just going to be straight forward with this. I was once dating an amazing girl who just happened to be newly wed to someone her family arranged for. Unlike your situation, the arrangement was a lot more strict and her old-traditioned asian parents gave her no other option, but to marry a certain business man ( who is 8 years older than her ) or kick her out of the family during her last year as a med-student.

    She would call, and talk endlessly, as I tried to steer the conversation away from her unfortunate situation, yet it was hard to avoid it. She would only arrange us hanging out when her husband was really busy. She would sleep in a fetile position when they shared the bed at night, she hardly talked to him on a sincere level. All because she hated the fact that at her young age, she felt like she didnt live life.

    So in simplicity, her life was miserable. We eventually sat down and talked about it, and she insisted we stop meeting cause it would devestate her even more if her family or "husband" found out. Respecting her wishes, we have no contact, but I know shes a strong individual whos doing it for the sake of her families wealth.

    Me personally, would never let a daughter of mine go through that crap.
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  • Bby-GIEBby-GIE AustraliaPosts: 1,659Member

    IDOL

    Woahhh. Arrange marriage is still being carried out in this day in age.
    It kinda sucks for you :/
    Then again no one can force you to marry the guy. You're of legal age, you should be able to so whatever you want.
  • kels.hunskels.huns Posts: 371Member

    IDOL

    My bf is 7 years older than me... 5 is no biggie but I think you're just concerned about this whole forced marriage. And the age gap is bothering you too, right?

    That's a crappy situation to be in. I'm sorry. You can always run away and elope to someone else. You have 4 years to find your ideal guy. Good luck!

  • wonderfulkarmawonderfulkarma Posts: 9Member
    Think carefully before come to a conclusion. Your parents sound very laidback so at least you're not being pressured. Sure you may meet the guy and like him but once you're married--it'd be immensely difficult to back off the relationship. It won't be a marriage based just upon your decision but the two families and their bussinesses. If you really don't want to marry the guy then you need  to  stand  up for yourself. In the future--let's say you are married to him and you're unhappy, you'll be very sour and blame everyone and yourself for not making your own personal decisions  when you had the chance to.
  • kiss_bunnykiss_bunny u.s.APosts: 1,318Member
    wait, so do they want you to go on a date with him and then decide? or is it already decided?
    Once you graduate college, your parents cant force you...You can just get a job and move out.

    Thats what i tell some of my Indian friends who have strict/traditional Indian parents since i mean..we're all in u.s.a so i dont see how indian parents can hold their kids back after college graduation..

    Luckily, my dad told me he'd never want me in an arranged marriage thank goodness~ Although i cant imagine what my family in India would think. But then again, i dont care what they think.
  • ilmilioneilmilione Posts: 305Member
    edited March 2012
    Just go out on a date with him and see if you like him. I don't see the harm.. he could be a great guy. If your family forces you to marry him and you don't want to, that's different, but it sounds like they just want you to meet him. Your grandparents are probably just typical old people that think they can say/do what ever, so ignore them. They have 0 power over you, trust me.

    Arranged marriages aren't even an option for me, so it's weird to think about it. My parents are so so against that. On the other hand, my mom would love to set me up with a guy as it sounds like your family is doing with you.
  • mrskwonahnmrskwonahn Posts: 121Member
    Thanks for all the thoughts! I read through most of them and they helped.

    -To those that thought my parents are forcing me and what not:

    --->My parents will be completely okay if I didn't like the guy.

    --->They just wanted me to try and date him, with no promises of the future.

    --->I was just surprised because I was confused since I never thought I would be in that sort of situation.

    --->And I can't just tell this to my friends since I am in a relationship now.

    --->And no, I talked to the "guy" and we decided this isn't the time and we are very diff now and if we are both single in my later years of university, we will try dating. Otherwise, the deal/marriage is off.

    --->I'm pretty happy and relieved now. :)
  • gaynessgayness DONG BANG SHIN KI HoniPosts: 3,160Member

    IDOL

    Is this part of your culture? Or is this more of ... your parents wants you to get married because of blah blah blah?
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  • darkmistdarkmist Posts: 120Member
    Well I'm glad your parents are pretty chill about it OP. Since it's more of a suggestion and not a flat out order, I don't think things are too bad. My family is friends with an HK born and raised Indian family and they had an arranged marriage and were quite happy about it. Theirs wasn't blind and was more along the lines of what I think your parents were suggesting. The parents of the couple told their children they suggested X girl/boy and that they try out dating (which the parents hoped would end in marriage). The way their whole family viewed the arranged marriage thing was that parents (usually) have their children's best interests at heart and know them the best so they act as a screening test - they try to filter out the guys/girls that their children wouldn't like/wouldn't be good for them and then present a panel of girls/guys they feel would best suit their tastes and needs. They also reasoned if things worked out between the couple everything should be smooth sailing since everyone has been approved of by the family already haha.

    Of course, there is no guarantee of finding true love and a perfect marriage either dating on your own or an arranged marriage so maybe when you're 20 and still single, why not try a date with this guy? You might really like him or maybe not - either way, sounds like you're not obliged to marry him so take things as they come :) Tbh, I think most girls and guys have faced/will face your situation is some variation - "honey are you still single? Mrs ____ has such a nice son/daughter and you guys would be great for each other! You know, so and so would actually make a great husband/wife don't you think? Hang on a sec, let me set you up something..." You just got the talk earlier than most and in a blunter fashion haha.
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  • funnybear1funnybear1 Posts: 144Member
    mrskwonahn wrote on 27 February 2012 - 04:58 PM:

    I didn't even graduate high school yet. Sure, I'm part Indian (1/4) but my dad didn't even go through it himself since my mum is Italian and now my grandparents want to get me engaged to a guy who is 5 years older than me so we can get married after I turn 21 so our families can have a good relationship.

    I'm only 18! I yelled and argued saying this is crazy. my dad's lawyer and he can't do this to me. It's wrong. My mum on the other hand is saying that it's not forcing and just think of it as a blind date or something and give it a try.

    I don't even want to think about this. I saw him when I went to london over break but .. he's almost 23!

    I don't even know what to do anymore, I'm so angry. Why me? Why? I thought this only happened to the Indians in India. 


    -This is just a rant. I don't know what's going to happen. AHH.

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    tell him you're not a virgin
  • HappiidayyHappiidayy Posts: 112Member
    Just meet the guy, don't want to disappoint your parents. However, if you guys don't click just say he's like a goldfish in the desert. Too awkward. no honor killings please D: my friend's sister was so close to it for marrying an italian man and sighs its really unfortunate :/
  • MentorMentor Posts: 415Member, New Member

    IDOL

    mrskwonahn wrote on 28 February 2012 - 12:58 AM:

    I didn't even graduate high school yet. Sure, I'm part Indian (1/4) but my dad didn't even go through it himself since my mum is Italian and now my grandparents want to get me engaged to a guy who is 5 years older than me so we can get married after I turn 21 so our families can have a good relationship.

    I'm only 18! I yelled and argued saying this is crazy. my dad's lawyer and he can't do this to me. It's wrong. My mum on the other hand is saying that it's not forcing and just think of it as a blind date or something and give it a try.

    I don't even want to think about this. I saw him when I went to london over break but .. he's almost 23!

    I don't even know what to do anymore, I'm so angry. Why me? Why? I thought this only happened to the Indians in India. 


    -This is just a rant. I don't know what's going to happen. AHH.


        I don't know what the laws say about arranged marriages but you might try to convince your family that even if you are forced to marry him it will eventually end up in a divorce and it will be their fault. If that doesn't work at least try to convince them to postpone the marriage till some unforeseen goal (ie. you become CEO of a corporation). Good luck. 
      If it were easy, then everybody would be doing it.
  • mrskwonahnmrskwonahn Posts: 121Member
    edited March 2012
    LOL. Okay I don't understand how anyone are thinking my parents are forcing me into a marriage. Talks just came up and I was surprised.

    I actually have a bf right now. So I can go up to my friends and rant about how my parents even thought about this. Since they will probably slip their tongues and my bf will go all jealous streak on me. 

    I just never thought this would happen to me. But it did.

    My parents had to tell me. That's about it. They can only tell me. 

    --Anyways everything is back to normal because I talked to the guy (Have to admit, he is good looking) but I'm content with my life now. So we probably won't end up together but in order for our families to be happy we decided that in case we were both single few years down the line, we will try dating. otherwise, nothing will be done.


    ---I'm not really being forced into anything. :)   My dad is a lawyer. lol. I think he knows that he can get into trouble otherwise ;)

    funnybear1 wrote on 22 March 2012 - 09:09 PM:

    *quoted image*
    tell him you're not a virgin


    He wouldn't give a damn :P He is British. Lol. ;)

    Happiidayy wrote on 23 March 2012 - 12:53 AM:

    Just meet the guy, don't want to disappoint your parents. However, if you guys don't click just say he's like a goldfish in the desert. Too awkward. no honor killings please D: my friend's sister was so close to it for marrying an italian man and sighs its really unfortunate :/




    Italian men ........ (I can only think about my cousins. And ... *Awkward* lol. 

    darkmist wrote on 22 March 2012 - 08:54 PM:

    Well I'm glad your parents are pretty chill about it OP. Since it's more of a suggestion and not a flat out order, I don't think things are too bad. My family is friends with an HK born and raised Indian family and they had an arranged marriage and were quite happy about it. Theirs wasn't blind and was more along the lines of what I think your parents were suggesting. The parents of the couple told their children they suggested X girl/boy and that they try out dating (which the parents hoped would end in marriage). The way their whole family viewed the arranged marriage thing was that parents (usually) have their children's best interests at heart and know them the best so they act as a screening test - they try to filter out the guys/girls that their children wouldn't like/wouldn't be good for them and then present a panel of girls/guys they feel would best suit their tastes and needs. They also reasoned if things worked out between the couple everything should be smooth sailing since everyone has been approved of by the family already haha.

    Of course, there is no guarantee of finding true love and a perfect marriage either dating on your own or an arranged marriage so maybe when you're 20 and still single, why not try a date with this guy? You might really like him or maybe not - either way, sounds like you're not obliged to marry him so take things as they come :) Tbh, I think most girls and guys have faced/will face your situation is some variation - "honey are you still single? Mrs ____ has such a nice son/daughter and you guys would be great for each other! You know, so and so would actually make a great husband/wife don't you think? Hang on a sec, let me set you up something..." You just got the talk earlier than most and in a blunter fashion haha.




    ---Yeah. I think you are one of the few people that actually understand my situation :) I'm pretty much going do this too. haha. :)

    gayness wrote on 22 March 2012 - 01:29 PM:

    Is this part of your culture? Or is this more of ... your parents wants you to get married because of blah blah blah?


    I guess more of a social culture since they want their children to marry into good families. Like, my cousin was set up with this girl from australia and they did end up getting married. My parents met at a social gathering too but my dad is half white and half indian while my mum is Italian. So its more of social culture instead of an racial thing since I'm everything in that sense. :)

    I want to reply to all the other replies, but i have to go back to schoolwork. dammit. lol. Anyways, the input was appreciated. :) ;)
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