I don't have any particular questions to ask....all I want to do is confess here. So about 2 months ago, my girlfriend and I got into a huge fight. She was jealous about my female friends texting me and posting comments on my facebook. Basically she doesn't want me to have any female friends. She doesn't hang out with any other guys by the way. Actually I'm fine with her having guy friends, but she says there's no need to since she has a boyfriend (me), so she expects me to do the same. Anyways because of the fight, she was ignoring me.
Then one day my ex-gf randomly texted me asking if I wanted to hangout because she's in town. I haven't seen or contacted her in a long time since she broke up with me, so I decided to meet up with her for dinner. I was going to call and tell my gf about it, but she ignored my call. So during dinner we just chatted normally. I didn't mention that I currently have a gf because she never asked and there wasn't a good opportunity to bring it up. Afterwards I drove her home, but before she got off the car she leaned in and kissed my cheek. I was stunned and didn't know what to do. Then she leaned in again and kissed me on the lips. We started making out and she asked if I wanted to go in her apartment. I couldn't think clearly.....so I went inside and we slept together. It was a one night stand. We didn't talk about it afterwards and just carried on normally without contacting each other.
My gf and I made up later, but I didn't tell her about this incident with my ex. If I don't tell her, there's no way she can find out either. So you can say I'm safe. Things were really good with my gf for awhile...until recently when I had lunch with my gf and her friend. It was the first time meeting this friend, so I was asking her questions. When she left, my gf got pissed and said that I was talking to her friend more than to her. So we got into a fight again. I blurted out that this is getting old and we should just break up. My gf got really shocked and tried to hold back tears. I felt horrible and began comforting her by trying to give her a hug. She pushed me away and ran outside. So I got up and chases after her. I caught up to her and hugged her but she kept yelling at me to go away. She calmed down and I asked if I can have another chance. After pausing for a long time, she said I don't know. I comforted her some more and finally she said okay.
Things are going well again. But I have been thinking a lot today and I think she's not the one for me. If I truly loved her, I wouldn't have cheated on her with my ex. If I truly cared about her, I wouldn't be replying to my female friend's text and messages. And if I truly liked only her, I wouldn't enjoy the attention that other girls give me. Or maybe I'm not ready to settle down? I still check out other girls and like their attention. I don't mean to be vain, but I'm good looking. And my current girlfriend is average..maybe a bit below average in looks. I think she's so clingy and jealous because she's worried I might fall for someone else. She thinks I'm out of her league, so she gets worried a lot. Honestly, her physical appearance is very different from the girls I used to date. I know I'm such a bad guy, but my ex was much prettier than her. My gf's personality is better though. But now that we argue so much, I'm starting to feel like she's too controlling for me. Our personalities are quite different too. She's smart and likes to study and someday will become a doctor. Whereas, I'm not good in school and I don't know what I want to do with my life yet. So sometimes we have these awkward silences because we run out of things to say.
Also I know I shouldn't compare, but when I see my friend's girlfriend...I can't help but think how much prettier she is compared to mine. But my friend is more good looking than me. No homo. It just makes me jealous how his girl is so pretty. I know appearance is not everything, but even my friends tease me how my current gf is below my ex appearance wise. Actually, I don't even know why I'm trying so hard to maintain this relationship. Sometimes I just want to end it, other times I think about all our happy memories and I just can't let go. And my gf threaten to break up with me 2 times in the past because she was tired of me being so close to other girls. But I don't know why I continued to put in effort to keep her and win her back.Thanks for reading. Good bye.