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My friend tried to take advantage of me when I was drunk

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Replies

  • foreverursViforeverursVi New Orleans, LAPosts: 608Member
    edited February 2011
    ^she asked for advice....not comments from the peanut gallery
    lhkim85pbjsandwichcherry_fliprunningwithkdrama
  • heyjulieheyjulie Posts: 65Banned
    foreverursVi wrote on 04 February 2011 - 08:23 PM:

    ^she asked for advice....not comments from the peanut gallery


    that was my advice...don't take it too seriously but don't let it happen again. Obviously, you need this more badly than OP.
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  • pbjsandwichpbjsandwich Posts: 204Member
    edited February 2011
    *** UPDATE ***

    Again, I'd like to thank everyone who replied. After you guys have shown your concern in this matter, I feel like I owe it to you guys to tell you what went down during the confrontation.



    I started off by saying I didn't appreciate him trying to take advantage of me when I was drunk. I said I only agreed to drink with him because he's been a good friend for a long time, and I trusted him. He abused that trust when he decided to put his hand up my dress.

    He denied doing that. After trying to weed the truth out of him, he finally said he "may or may not have" done that to me (wtf?). He said he was sorry if he gave the impression of doing that, but it really wasn't what had happened. He also said that he doesn't want this to ruin our friendship. As the argument progressed, and as the "may or may not have" shi*t crumbled under the weight of my extraordinary rhetoric (jk -_____- I get tongue-tied when I'm nervous), he switched to "I didn't know what I was doing. I was too drunk."
    (Why I don't believe that: he didn't drink as much as I did, and he's a pretty heavy drinker. Plus, his next excuse clearly showed he wasn't as drunk as he had claimed.)


    I said if he really wanted to salvage this friendship, he would do two things: 1) Admit he KNEW what he was doing. 2) give me a sincere apology.

    He said: I apologize, but I really didn't know what I was doing.

    I told him he has to man up and take responsibility for what he's done wrong. He can't just deny it by feigning ignorance. If he can't even do that, that just speaks volumes of his character, and I don't want to be friends with someone who doesn't have the integrity to own up to his wrongdoings.

    There was some more speaking on my part, and I forget how it led up to this, but I put another point forward, and this was his response:

    "I was just trying to wake you up." (I had been semi-conscious).

    And I replied with, "By putting your hand between my legs?"

    "I was just tickling your leg."

    Me: "No, your hand was WAY up there."

    Him: "I didn't know I was going so far up."

    He then tried to push the responsibility onto me. He said it was up to ME if I wanted to salvage this friendship. Basically, he was telling me I had to excuse him and I had to believe what he was saying so we can move on from this incident. But I told him, no - it's up to him to salvage the relationship by owning up to what he did, because I didn't do anything wrong.

    This went on for a while, and I was getting tired of it, because he was reusing his excuses each time he hit a roadblock in our argument. Towards the end, I told him he either admit that he knew what he was doing and apologize, or he can just leave. He refused to do either, complaining I "wasn't really listening" to him. So I just left him there and... well, came to type this out while it was still fresh in my mind :sweatingbullets:

    I don't know if he's still out there on my porch -______-
    kayana20cherry_flipkissez*kathyAziraphalerunningwithkdramaNaughtyDogananalhkim85alasamkaydeex
  • kayana20kayana20 new jerseyPosts: 2,716Member

    IDOL

    edited February 2011
    I don't think you should be friends with him at all anymore. Yes it will be awkward but he violated you and is acting like he did nothing. If he truly liked or respected you he would fess up and this would have never happened in the first place.I feel hurt that he could betray your trust like that and who cares if you were wasted you thought he was your friend and would look out for you not touch you inappropriately. &Rea gave some good advice that could have gone further but thank goodness it didn't. This is wrong on so many levels and I am so hurt and mad for you. I hope things get solved but just remember if you keep him as a friend never get drunk around him again because obviously he is attracted to you but doesn't respect your boundaries and is the type to touch without asking. Be careful.

    No woman asks to be raped whether drunk or not. HE was her friend and she must know him. It doesn't matter if your drunk or sober you can be groped or raped. People really need to put themselves in her shoes or family members and think of how fast things can happen. Also tell her to surround herself with people who watch out for her not how her getting so drunk made this happen. That is insensitive. IT can happen regardless.
    lhkim85
  • kissez*kissez* YEAH OH YEAH Posts: 8,252Friend of Soompi

    IDOL

    edited February 2011
    I am facepalming so hard right now.
    "I was trying to wake you up... by sticking my hand up your skirt."
    Who does that?
    The guy is a disgusting pig and is undeserving of your friendship.
    I think you handled yourself very well, very maturely.
    Have you spoken to any of your other friends about this? I would warn my female friends about this creep if I were you. Just as a precaution.

    "It was tender and mild, like baby Jesus."

    FORMSPRING
    kayana20lhkim85katnipswtxcandi
  • dumasdumas Posts: 843Banned
    kissez* wrote on 07 February 2011 - 10:07 PM:

    I am facepalming so hard right now.
    "I was trying to wake you up... by sticking my hand up your skirt."
    Who does that?
    The guy is a disgusting pig and is undeserving of your friendship.
    I think you handled yourself very well, very maturely.
    Have you spoken to any of your other friends about this? I would warn my female friends about this creep if I were you. Just as a precaution.



    i don't know about that....

    you can tell your friends what happened, but i would just say he is a creep and not tell the reason why.

    this is becasue after the initial outrage has worn down about you getting fingered, you will just be the girl that got fingered, do you really want people to associate you with something like that for the rest of your life?

    sexual harrasment is a pinkberry. lose lose for the girl no matter what.
  • Boomx2BrianBoomx2Brian Posts: 2,514Member

    IDOL

    edited February 2011
    pbjsandwich wrote on 07 February 2011 - 11:47 PM:

    *** UPDATE ***

    Again, I'd like to thank everyone who replied. After you guys have shown your concern in this matter, I feel like I owe it to you guys to tell you what went down during the confrontation.



    I started off by saying I didn't appreciate him trying to take advantage of me when I was drunk. I said I only agreed to drink with him because he's been a good friend for a long time, and I trusted him. He abused that trust when he decided to put his hand up my dress.

    He denied doing that. After trying to weed the truth out of him, he finally said he "may or may not have" done that to me (wtf?). He said he was sorry if he gave the impression of doing that, but it really wasn't what had happened. He also said that he doesn't want this to ruin our friendship. As the argument progressed, and as the "may or may not have" shi*t crumbled under the weight of my extraordinary rhetoric (jk -_____- I get tongue-tied when I'm nervous), he switched to "I didn't know what I was doing. I was too drunk."
    (Why I don't believe that: he didn't drink as much as I did, and he's a pretty heavy drinker. Plus, his next excuse clearly showed he wasn't as drunk as he had claimed.)


    I said if he really wanted to salvage this friendship, he would do two things: 1) Admit he KNEW what he was doing. 2) give me a sincere apology.

    He said: I apologize, but I really didn't know what I was doing.

    I told him he has to man up and take responsibility for what he's done wrong. He can't just deny it by feigning ignorance. If he can't even do that, that just speaks volumes of his character, and I don't want to be friends with someone who doesn't have the integrity to own up to his wrongdoings.

    There was some more speaking on my part, and I forget how it led up to this, but I put another point forward, and this was his response:

    "I was just trying to wake you up." (I had been semi-conscious).

    And I replied with, "By putting your hand between my legs?"

    "I was just tickling your leg."

    Me: "No, your hand was WAY up there."

    Him: "I didn't know I was going so far up."

    He then tried to push the responsibility onto me. He said it was up to ME if I wanted to salvage this friendship. Basically, he was telling me I had to excuse him and I had to believe what he was saying so we can move on from this incident. But I told him, no - it's up to him to salvage the relationship by owning up to what he did, because I didn't do anything wrong.

    This went on for a while, and I was getting tired of it, because he was reusing his excuses each time he hit a roadblock in our argument. Towards the end, I told him he either admit that he knew what he was doing and apologize, or he can just leave. He refused to do either, complaining I "wasn't really listening" to him. So I just left him there and... well, came to type this out while it was still fresh in my mind :sweatingbullets:

    I don't know if he's still out there on my porch -______-

    Im really glad you were able to be firm, especially since from the OP you dont seem to be the nonconfrontational type. It takes guts to get over the "i just want to put it behind me" mentality and stand up for yourself. You should take pride you made the choice that required courage and wasnt the cowardly way out.
    runningwithkdramalhkim85swtxcandicherry_flip
  • kissez*kissez* YEAH OH YEAH Posts: 8,252Friend of Soompi

    IDOL

    dumas wrote on 08 February 2011 - 03:16 AM:

    i don't know about that....

    you can tell your friends what happened, but i would just say he is a creep and not tell the reason why.

    this is becasue after the initial outrage has worn down about you getting fingered, you will just be the girl that got fingered, do you really want people to associate you with something like that for the rest of your life?

    sexual harrasment is a pinkberry. lose lose for the girl no matter what.

    Yeah because I wanted her to describe every graphic detail about what happened to her friends.
    All she has to do is tell them he tried to take advantage of her while she was drunk and to warn them to be careful around the scumbag.

    "You will just be the girl that got fingered for the rest of your life?"
    God your entire post is just this fantastic my happy poopoo that I can't even wrap my mind around.
    You almost make it sound as though if a woman were to be sexually harassed, she should keep it hush hush because oh my god, what will the neighbors think? Oh my god, how shameful is it to wear this scarlet letter for the rest of her life.

    Ridiculous.

    "It was tender and mild, like baby Jesus."

    FORMSPRING
    pbjsandwichlhkim85cherry_flipjoogrlpekaunlifesaverswtxcandi
  • The_UsernameThe_Username Posts: 460New Member

    ROOKIE

    edited February 2011
    Good job on standing up to him, I honestly wouldn't have given David Cop-a-feel another chance at being a friend if i was a girl who had a so-called "friend" try to pull a magic trick up my you know what.

    Seriously, next time don't put up with my happy poopoo, because copping a feel goes beyond anything that is acceptable. I still can't believe you tried to give him a chance. This isn't a petty argument that can be talked away. For all we know, he might have been testing your drunkenness level by copping a feel, and God knows what could've happened to you if you weren't.
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    lifesavercherry_flip
  • dumasdumas Posts: 843Banned
    kissez* wrote on 08 February 2011 - 01:18 AM:

    Yeah because I wanted her to describe every graphic detail about what happened to her friends.
    All she has to do is tell them he tried to take advantage of her while she was drunk and to warn them to be careful around the scumbag.

    "You will just be the girl that got fingered for the rest of your life?"
    God your entire post is just this fantastic my happy poopoo that I can't even wrap my mind around.
    You almost make it sound as though if a woman were to be sexually harassed, she should keep it hush hush because oh my god, what will the neighbors think? Oh my god, how shameful is it to wear this scarlet letter for the rest of her life.

    Ridiculous.


    hehehe, there's a difference btw reality and the ideal, and you're 100% right it shouldn't be shameful for rational folk, but if you think the world is full of rational people..........(ur still a lot less cyncial than i am?)

    and lissen even if it isn't in graphic detail, people will still forget about the fact that she was wronged, and just remeber the fact that she was some thing sexualed, and it will influence their behavior towards her.

    which is why i said it's a lose lose.
    heyjulie
  • kissez*kissez* YEAH OH YEAH Posts: 8,252Friend of Soompi

    IDOL

    dumas wrote on 08 February 2011 - 04:51 AM:

    hehehe, there's a difference btw reality and the ideal, and you're 100% right it shouldn't be shameful for rational folk, but if you think the world is full of rational people..........(ur still a lot less cyncial than i am?)

    and lissen even if it isn't in graphic detail, people will still forget about the fact that she was wronged, and just remeber the fact that she was some thing sexualed, and it will influence their behavior towards her.

    which is why i said it's a lose lose.

    Did you really just refer to her as "some thing sexualed" that doesn't even make sense but I guess what you were trying for was "someone who was sexually assaulted". You do realize that if people remember that she was sexually assaulted... they'll remember the part where she was... sexually assaulted?

    "It was tender and mild, like baby Jesus."

    FORMSPRING
    cherry_flippbjsandwich
  • dumasdumas Posts: 843Banned
    kissez* wrote on 08 February 2011 - 02:06 AM:

    Did you really just refer to her as "some thing sexualed" that doesn't even make sense but I guess what you were trying for was "someone who was sexually assaulted". You do realize that if people remember that she was sexually assaulted... they'll remember the part where she was... sexually assaulted?


    hmm you might be right, but i am definately tending towards the other side which is that the brain/memory is fuzzy,  you don't consciously with language think about everything about a person when you interact with them, you revert back to some kind of mean, and after people stop feeling sorry for her and angry about what happened, what's left is the memory that she was something sexualed.  the sympathy and protectivnesss emotions fade.  i think you give people too much credit for caring.

    so basically yea, people will remember she was something sexualed, not that she was sexually assaulted, because it's easier to rememebr she was something sexualed instead of specifically sexually assaulted and  and it takes more effort to feel sympathy/outraged, than to just kinda rememebr her as the girl who was something sexualed.....

    i mean if she went to court, made huge deal about it then the assault part can get attached strongly.

    but that doesn't take away the sexualed part.  and the thing is it's not that social stigma against any form of sexualism is right, it's that it's there, and she will always be a victim of it.  And to me that doesn't outweigh what she get's out of actually telling people what happened, compared to just finding some way to trash that guys reputation.

    but you're right in ur sentiments, it's sad, cuz if he had just punched her, then she could tell everyone exactly what happened, screw him over and it wouldn't change people's perception of her.
    heyjulie
  • pbjsandwichpbjsandwich Posts: 204Member
    edited February 2011
    hmm you might be right, but i am definately tending towards the other side which is that the brain/memory is fuzzy, you don't consciously with language think about everything about a person when you interact with them, you revert back to some kind of mean, and after people stop feeling sorry for her and angry about what happened, what's left is the memory that she was something sexualed. the sympathy and protectivnesss emotions fade. i think you give people too much credit for caring.

    so basically yea, people will remember she was something sexualed, not that she was sexually assaulted, because it's easier to rememebr she was something sexualed instead of specifically sexually assaulted and and it takes more effort to feel sympathy/outraged, than to just kinda rememebr her as the girl who was something sexualed.....

    i mean if she went to court, made huge deal about it then the assault part can get attached strongly.

    but that doesn't take away the sexualed part. and the thing is it's not that social stigma against any form of sexualism is right, it's that it's there, and she will always be a victim of it. And to me that doesn't outweigh what she get's out of actually telling people what happened, compared to just finding some way to trash that guys reputation.

    but you're right in ur sentiments, it's sad, cuz if he had just punched her, then she could tell everyone exactly what happened, screw him over and it wouldn't change people's perception of her.



    No.

    You give people too little credit.

    He will be remembered as the douchebag who tried to take advantage of me.
    Me? I'll be remembered as the girl who stood up for herself.
    You? The pervert who's obsessed with the actual act of sexual assault. (No offense, but from your posts, that's seriously what you sound like. You can't seem to stop imagining the nitty gritty, graphic details of the assault.)

    And just to clear things up, no one got fingered. He only tried.
    cherry_flipNaughtyDog
  • lhkim85lhkim85 Addict Posts: 1,290Member

    IDOL

    dumas wrote on 08 February 2011 - 12:16 AM:

    i don't know about that....

    you can tell your friends what happened, but i would just say he is a creep and not tell the reason why.

    this is becasue after the initial outrage has worn down about you getting fingered, you will just be the girl that got fingered, do you really want people to associate you with something like that for the rest of your life?

    sexual harrasment is a pinkberry. lose lose for the girl no matter what.

    People like you are exactly why so many rapes go unreported. Instead of seeking help for themselves and possibly preventing others from suffering the same fate, the victims suffer alone in silence and live in fear. Some parts of the world that have adopted this way of thinking (like Afghanistan) but it should not be perpetuated by encouraging victims to keep their mouths shut.

    OP, I'm glad you stood up for yourself and didn't back down when your "friend" started giving lame excuses. I agree with The_Username, what he did was unacceptable and I don't know under what circumstances he could be forgiven (maybe if he has some kind of chemical imbalance or organic brain damage). I hope you warn your friends and end your association with this person.
    cherry_flipforeverursVi
  • heyjulieheyjulie Posts: 65Banned
    edited February 2011
    pbjsandwich wrote on 08 February 2011 - 08:33 AM:

    No.

    You give people too little credit.

    He will be remembered as the douchebag who tried to take advantage of me.
    Me? I'll be remembered as the girl who stood up for herself.
    You? The pervert who's obsessed with the actual act of sexual assault. (No offense, but from your posts, that's seriously what you sound like. You can't seem to get over the fact that I had been objectified.)

    And just to clear things up, no one got fingered. He only tried.


    so what? you are not special. it's your fault for agreeing to drink without thinking of the consequences. Actions have consequences and yours were clearly blurred. 


    You have no case in court. Memory under the influence of alcohol? don't kid yourself and save the legal fees. You said so yourself, you think you got groped but you were too drunk to know. In fact it sounds like you are not even sure. If your friend denies it then that's where it stops. 

    What are you 15? If you are not adult enough to know the effects of alcohol, then you shouldn't be out with people who you know are going to be drinking. There's a reason statutory rape only applies to underage entity. It's simple as that.

    Don't dress like a Richard Simmons and go drinking with guys and then pinkberry about getting sexually assaulted. 

    Your friends will probably remember you not for the incident that took place when you were drunk, but the actions you take afterwards. You are not going to get much sympathy. You might be labelled opposite of Richard magnet once that guy tells his friends. Plus things could've gone way south you were lucky enough to not go through that. 
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  • dumasdumas Posts: 843Banned
    edited February 2011
    pbjsandwich wrote on 08 February 2011 - 08:33 AM:

    No.

    You give people too little credit.

    He will be remembered as the douchebag who tried to take advantage of me.
    Me? I'll be remembered as the girl who stood up for herself.
    You? The pervert who's obsessed with the actual act of sexual assault. (No offense, but from your posts, that's seriously what you sound like. You can't seem to stop imagining the nitty gritty, graphic details of the assault.)

    And just to clear things up, no one got fingered. He only tried.



    no sheyt that you weren't fingered.  i never said you were.... i said that's how you'd be rememebered. 

    like  i was saying, sexual harrassment is a lose lose for a girl, cuz even if she goes to court, and reveals everything, and punishes the assaulter, her reputation's still tarnished.  for all the TALK of an equal society, puritan values towards any form of sexuality still tends to dominate ppl's persepective,biases, whatever. 

    but seriously, if you're remembered as the girl who stood up for yourself, that's great....  i just seriously doubt it. 

    and if you told ppl already.... who give's a sheyt what ppl think, who you are and what people think of you...big difference.  

    oh yea also judging from his reaction, he seems like he's pretty guilty so you can get him completely socially ostracized from your group of friends, at least you get something out of it.

    edit

    i actually i did say you were fingered, i guess i just assumed fingered after hearing about hands between the legs.

    double edit

    you know what, u like how i assumed you got fingered after reading that someone put his hand in btw your legs?  i guess i'm the only person in the world who would make that assumption. (i'm being ironic)
  • angelairshowangelairshow The States.Posts: 358Member
    It's attitudes like that ^^^ that keeps rape and sexual assault one of the most under-reported crimes.
    More women need to have the courage the op did to stand up for themselves.

    And seriously.. tickling your leg? Give me a break.


    Cause of Injury: Lack of Adhesive Ducks.
    The_UsernameNaughtyDogswtxcandilove_starz
  • tastytasty Posts: 2,382Banned
    edited February 2011
    actually, the adavantage side of the double standard concerning assault (including sexual assault) in general rests with females in court. guys always get screwed over, especially when accusing a girl of assaulting him (sexually or not).

    edit: and the double standard isn't only confined to the courts. wider social perception influences outcomes of court cases relating to above. the girl will always be seen as the victim.
  • dumasdumas Posts: 843Banned
    angelairshow wrote on 08 February 2011 - 04:40 PM:

    It's attitudes like that  ^^^ that keeps rape and sexual assault one of the most under-reported crimes.
    More women need to have the courage the op did to stand up for themselves.

    And seriously.. tickling your leg? Give me a break.



    you put too much faith in the justice system.

    you think telling a cop solves all the problems.

    you are gravely deluded.
  • pbjsandwichpbjsandwich Posts: 204Member
    no sheyt that you weren't fingered. i never said you were.... i said that's how you'd be rememebered.

    this is becasue after the initial outrage has worn down about you getting fingered, you will just be the girl that got fingered, do you really want people to associate you with something like that for the rest of your life?


    Does your second quote even imply I would be REMEMBERED for it? No, it just states that I WAS. Be careful with your words.




    so what? you are not special. it's your fault for agreeing to drink without thinking of the consequences. Actions have consequences and yours were clearly blurred.


    You have no case in court. Memory under the influence of alcohol? don't kid yourself and save the legal fees. You said so yourself, you think you got groped but you were too drunk to know. In fact it sounds like you are not even sure. If your friend denies it then that's where it stops.

    What are you 15? If you are not adult enough to know the effects of alcohol, then you shouldn't be out with people who you know are going to be drinking. There's a reason statutory rape only applies to underage entity. It's simple as that.

    Don't dress like a Richard Simmons and go drinking with guys and then pinkberry about getting sexually assaulted.

    Your friends will probably remember you not for the incident that took place when you were drunk, but the actions you take afterwards. You are not going to get much sympathy. You might be labelled opposite of Richard magnet once that guy tells his friends. Plus things could've gone way south you were lucky enough to not go through that.


    Oh, I think I'm VERY special - I set myself apart from the majority of girls who don't stand up for themselves.
    From what you've said, you obviously don't know about alcohol. It's not a memory eraser. You also seem to think there's only one way to be drunk, which isn't true. You can be semi-conscious, unable to know what you were doing at that moment, and still recall what happened last night in the morning. It isn't uncommon. So get your facts straight before you imply that I'm accusing a good friend on uncertain grounds just for the heck of it.
    And like I said, IF a girl dresses like a Richard Simmons and IF she goes out drinking, does that give guys the license to sexually assault her? Does it suddenly make it right because she is an easy target?
    I'm not really sure why you're desperately sticking up for my friend. Clearly, you haven't read my update. Either that, or you're ignoring his inadvertent confession and evidence that incriminates him. So, sorry, but YOU'RE the one who doesn't have a case.



    In reply to dumas' argument. If, as you say, there is that social stigma. Why succumb to it? Shouldn't we all do our part to overcome it instead by being more vocal about these things?
    I had the full support of my friends, and it was empowering. If this happened again (heaven forbid) I would do it again in a heartbeat, and I would convince others to do it for themselves, too. Through this experience, I've realized silence isn't the answer, even though people like you think it is. Sure, society as you've said may stigmatize women for being sexually assaulted, even though they're not in the wrong. But if girls would stick up for themselves instead of being ashamed of it, they wouldn't perpetuate that stigma, and perhaps guys wouldn't be so quick to exploit their silence.
    Aziraphalerunningwithkdramakissez*cherry_flip
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