Asian Identity & Love

So recently, I fell for a friend who I've known for 8 years. I met her here 8 years ago while she was just studying English here. She was super nice to me throughout the 8 years we chatted with each other on and off. I actually fell for her 5 years ago when I visited Korea, but recently we started chatting again and ended up agreeing to a long distance relationship. After collecting my balls, I decided to visit her in Korea just over a week ago and stayed for a week (September 12 to 19). We realized that we're too culturally different and we didn't fit in together when we actually tried to form a proper relationship.

Anyway, the last time I seriously dated a Korean chick, who was Korean-American, was 8 years ago. I had forsaken the idea that I would ever date a Korean chick again back then. Korean girls were much too much drama and too ma fan (troublesome). My serious long term relationships have been with Canadian Born Chinese (CBC) girls. I previously thought I related to them the best until I went on the Korea trip this month. I showed the Korean girl my hometown, Daejeon, where I grew up before immigrating to Canada and where I stayed when I visited. I went to pay respects to my mom with her and accidentally bumped into my father near the grave site in the middle of nowhere, who I haven't seen or talked to in like 3 years (long story). What the result was that I realized I am more Korean in many ways more than I expected. Accepting the Korean aspect of myself gave me great comfort. This came as a shocker because I have always rejected the Korean side of myself and thought I was more CBC than anything.

Now that I dated a Korean chick and realized I am Korean in many ways, I don't know where my identity lies anymore and I don't know which ethnicity to date. I have been heavily influenced by Hong Kong, Japanese, Korean, and Canadian culture. Living in such a multi-cultural society, how have others reconciled the fact that you've been heavily influenced by more than 2 cultures? How have you decided which ethnicity to date and marry?

Edit: Clarified where my hometown was and the question posed.

wait, are you korean or chinese? *scratches head

living in canada for so long, perhaps you are more accustomed to asian girls who like you have resided in canada for a long time.

freedomfries said:too ma fan

How have you decided which ethnicity to date?

Love has no boundaries.


...though it should be a mutual love...

Personally I always knew I would date a chinese girl, or a girl of chinese descent. However, I also knew that my western upbringing meant that I would only really get along with someone of similar upbringing or at least sufficiently similar that there are no cultural barriers. My partner is Malaysian born Chinese and that's working out wonderfully 

@Lie
I am not a cultural psychologist nor a sociologist, but there are many differences in Canadian culture and Korean culture. First, Canadian culture is individualistic vs Korean culture is collectivistic; second, Canadians have an independent self-concept vs Koreans have a interdependent self-concept; third, Canadians have intrinsic aspirations vs Koreans have extrinsic aspirations; and fourth, Canadians engage in low-context communication vs Koreans engage in high-context communication. These are some of the many distinctions between the two.

CBC families, in my own experiences, have been well adapted and assimilated into Canadian culture. Chinese parents have better passed on their values to their children. This is why I have been more aligned with Cantonese speaking CBCs and their life values. While Korean families have had a more difficult time adapting to Canadian culture and perhaps more dysfunctional, again, from my experiences. Korean parents, since they haven't adapted as well, haven't been able to fulfill their role as parents and ended up letting the children fend for themselves.

For example, a Korean woman once stopped me at a bus stop and asked me to translate for her because she had to enroll her son in daycare. I helped her and followed her to two daycare centres and then when passing by a third, she asked me if we could drop by a third when we enrolled her son at the second one we visited. She also asked me to look at her lease agreement for her apartment because she couldn't read English. In my opinion, Korean families have been poorly equipped to adapt to life when the immigrated to Canada and many Korean children here failed to grow up with proper parenting appropriate for Canadian society. This is why you see Korean women that are a bit more drama. I see less well-rounded Canadian-Koreans than Canadian-Chinese. I also see some parallels with recent Mandarin speaking immigrants from mainland China to Koreans.

As you get older, you see the importance of returning to your ethnic roots and you may see a shift in cultural identity. Like salmon returning to their original spawning grounds, you may have an inclination to become closer to your ethnic background as you age since you have more time to think about the consequences of it. For example, if I marry a Korean woman, it would be easier for us to communicate with my relatives in Korea; easier to maintain relationships with extended family; and would be more comfortable because we know the cultural norms and expectations. After you get married, you have to decide which kind of language to teach the kids if you marry cross-culturally while you don't really need to make such a decision when you marry within your ethnicity.

Essentially, ethnicity and identity really has a huge impact on marriage and how you want to parent your children. As an emotionally mature person, I was trying to figure out a map on how to get the answer I need to get to. @MiDnight89 thinks with his richard simmons and @ayahuasca I'm guessing you're Chinese? To some knowing which ethnicity you're going to marry is a given and no brainer and some take it for granted, but when you've been heavily influenced by multiple cultures... it's sometimes difficult to sort everything out because it's more complicated and there's more than meets the eye as stated above. The consequences and repercussions are huge. Since we're all shaped and limited by the experiences that we've experienced, I don't expect many people to completely understand my question.

Canadian-Koreans don't have the same values as me, Koreans don't have the same values as me either, and CBCs don't have the same values as me. In Canada, you live in a post-materialistic society while in Korea, you live in a materialistic society from a sociological view. Asians here are a mixture of the two and are probably somewhere in between. You want to seek out someone you can relate to, but once you're a cultural boiling pot of some sort, it's hard to really figure out what will work for you and what you really want. We're all like jigsaw piece and we need to find a good fit with another piece, out significant other. Globalization gives so many choices and variations in cultures because everything gets intermingled to a degree, especially in North America.

To answer my own question, I guess I'll just have to taste the rainbow and give it the old trial-and-error method of solving the problem.

Indeed, I am Chinese, except I was born and raised in the west. My parents weren't very traditional but did make sure that I learned something of our culture. I've also had the joy of having been raised by two grandmothers and as the eldest my exposure to my heritage was by far the strongest among me and my siblings. I've also been personally fascinated by my ancestry so I spent a lot of time studying it. This created a sort of odd dichotomy. I'm westernised enough that I could date a western girl or a westernised asian girl and yet have sufficient familiarity with my heritage that given time I could probably establish a relationship with a girl who had never been in the west. I had been briefly involved with a Korean girl in the past who would be regarded as liberal in Korea but still be considered somewhat conservative by western standards.
I might actually surprise you in how well I understand your dilemma. Those in their mid 20s to 30s would most likely have been born in the west to migrant parents or emigrated at an extremely young age such that their heritage would have had little time to imprint on to you. As such, what has happened is that we're raised in a western society but our immediate family is likely to hold to some of the traditions of the home land. (In fact, a study has shown that emigrant families are more likely to be more traditional than those back in the mother land as they try to hold onto their heritage while those who never left adapted to the social changes that have happened back there) 
As such, people like you and I are more likely to suffer from a sort of split where we're neither fully westernised nor fully traditional or we're finding it incredibly difficult to make ourselves one or the other. Whereas our siblings are more likely to slant towards the western end of the spectrum. In my family, I speak our mother tongue and english with equal fluency while the youngest in our family is perfectly fluent in english but struggles with our mother tongue. As such people like them would easily fit themselves into westernised society.
That being said, the advantage that we hold over them is that we are eminently more adaptable to our circumstance and situation. We would almost be chameleon like in that regard. For example, whenever I travel to HK and speak to the locals, most, including my relatives who grew up there, would never pick up on the fact that I was raised overseas, but when I speak english there is no doubt that I was raised in the west. I would suspect that you have the same facility in language.
Rather than dwell on this dilemma, over the last several years I reveled in it by living in Europe and fully embracing that melting pot by exploring one of the most culturally diverse regions I've ever visited. Experiencing and expanding the melting pot within crystallises the values that you hold dear and ultimately makes it most clear the sort of person you are and the sort of partner you seek

In my opinion it all depends on the person and who they are. You can't really group every race into one category because everyone is different with different thoughts and opinions. My parents are the very traditional type and I am not and I would never choose a partner based off race or to please my parents. 

Pick the asian based on who she is not where she is born. Pick the one u get along well with not base it on culture

I'm pretty sure "choosing which ethnicity to date" is racist. The only time cultural differences kind of got in the way was when this Korean guy raised in Japan I was seeing had this idea of what "girls should do" and what's "ladylike". I felt like I should be able to make inappropriate penis jokes as I please. 

severus

said: I'm pretty sure "choosing which ethnicity to date" is racist. The only time cultural differences kind of got in the way was when this Korean guy raised in Japan I was seeing had this idea of what "girls should do" and what's "ladylike". I felt like I should be able to make inappropriate penis jokes as I please. 

ayahuasca said:

severus

said: I'm pretty sure "choosing which ethnicity to date" is racist. The only time cultural differences kind of got in the way was when this Korean guy raised in Japan I was seeing had this idea of what "girls should do" and what's "ladylike". I felt like I should be able to make inappropriate penis jokes as I please. 

taaaaay said: ayahuasca said:

severus

said: I'm pretty sure "choosing which ethnicity to date" is racist. The only time cultural differences kind of got in the way was when this Korean guy raised in Japan I was seeing had this idea of what "girls should do" and what's "ladylike". I felt like I should be able to make inappropriate penis jokes as I please. 

ayahuasca said: We'll have to agree to disagree. In fact, with some extended thought I could probably argue that neither statement is racist, per the strict definition of the term, but that's neither here nor there

I found that many European and Asian ethnicities had very similar values. ie. Family, respect for the elders, food = love, etc.
So unless someone has been completely westernised to the point where they have rejected any values they were brought up with, it would be very hard not to find someone who has similar values as yourself, within those groups.
I was bought up in a very traditional household, ie. the father is the head and his decision is final, the mother is submissive, plus all the other typical stereotype traditions you can think of.  I think I am very westernised, but the culture and traditions I was bought up with is instilled in me.  Im pretty stubborn and wasn't going to do what others and society wanted me to.  So when I was younger I fought pretty hard against, what the culture and society expected of me, as an asian girl. In saying that though, somehow I ended up doing exactly what was expected.  You will find, it is hard for someone, not to follow the values and lessons taught to them since they were young.  It is in built.
No matter who you date, they would already have a foundation of values similar to your own.  Only the building blocks may be different, as they would have grown up in a different family and household, and had different life experiences.

freedomfries said: Snip

freedomfries said: ayahuasca said: We'll have to agree to disagree. In fact, with some extended thought I could probably argue that neither statement is racist, per the strict definition of the term, but that's neither here nor there

taaaaay

said: That definition, although from google, is very limiting and doesn't have a lot of real world application. Racism has been expanded to include racial stereotypes, internalized racism, systemic racism, etc. All of which are not absolute statements of how a certain race is superior.

You would think that the statement "All Chinese people have slit eyes and buck teeth" is racist, wouldn't ya? How about a white guy who says they prefer Asian girls because they're so ~demure and submissive ("cultural preference")? That's racial fetishization and racial preference a.k.a. racism. 

Is it racist to strongly prefer dating someone of your own ethnicity? I don't know, but I'll have to agree with Lie that you're making huge generalizations. Your observations of Chinese and Korean women wouldn't fit the Chinese and Korean women I know, though I don't live in Canda and all the Korean families around me are pretty wealthy (as opposed to poorly equipped to adapt to western society). And not all Chinese and Korean women will speak their mother tongue or value the same things. Thus I find that "choosing an ethnicity to marry" on soompi is fruitless. What are you gonna do when you plan it out and choose a certain ethnicity? Feelings can creep up, u know. 

Why do you have to choose an ethnicity to date? I don't mean to be rude but I think that is the stupidest thing I have heard today. 
Your ethnicity does not define who you are, and ultimately, you should be falling for the person, not what their background is.