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Allergic to boyfriend's cat


blahdee

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Hi, I'm in a pickle and need someone to listen and possibly help me with all these emotions.
So, I have been living with my boyfriend for 9 months now and he has a cat that I love to death, but I had been having a ton of allergy symptoms and went to get an allergy test. Turns out, I'm allergic to cats and dogs (which he loves). He only has a cat right now but plans to get a dog in the future, and I really want a cat of my own in the future.I am currently on 3 different medications right now for my allergies, but they've been living there for 3 years now so there is a LOT of dander. I bought a HEPA filter and it seems to be helping a little. We live in an apartment and he has his bed in the living room so there are no doors. 
Yesterday, I couldn't get any sleep because I was up coughing (there are a lot of nights like this) and told him I probably couldn't sleep in the bed anymore. I started bawling because I thought he would hate me for not wanting to sleep with the cat. Last night I tried sleeping in the actual bedroom and it was fine, I didn't cough or anything (we kept the cat out of the bedroom after I pumped up my air mattress). But he didn't sleep with me because he'd rather sleep with his cat, which is okay, I understand. But he told me this morning to move my bed so he could let the cat run around in the bedroom. I was a little irritated about this because he seems to care more about the cat than me. I love her too, but until I get immunotherapy (probably in a month or two) I just want to quarantine the bedroom so I can actually sleep at night. He says he wants her to be able to run around everywhere, which is understandable but I don't think she needs the whole apartment to run around in (there are 4 spaces in total and the bedroom is the second smallest one). (I probably sound evil right now :()
I want to know if pet owners would be upset at their S/Os if they wanted to keep their pet out of the bedroom? I've never owned a pet so I don't know, I just know that he loves his cat a ton (I mean she's adorable so who wouldn't?). But am I wrong to want him to sleep with me instead of with his cat? Even if it's just once or twice a week I wouldn't mind. And is it wrong of me to not want the cat in the bedroom? Please let me know your thoughts and thanks in advance. :)
Edit: Also, I would never make him get rid of the cat, so that is out of the question.Yesterday I just bought a hypoallergenic pillowcase + a new pillow too.

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It is absolutely not wrong to want your boyfriend to sleep with you! (Heck, I would be upset if he slept with me 1/2 days out of 7!) It is definitely a touchy subject to let the cat in the bedroom. From what you said, his bed is in the living room so what exactly is in this bedroom besides your blow up bed? Let him know know your thoughts on the bedroom! Moving in with your boyfriend, both of you have to make sacrifices and it seems to me you're making a huge sacrifice to live with your S/O ( your sleep!) 

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@dreamyi: Thanks for your input :) I really appreciate it. I was a little shocked that he didn't want to try sleeping in there with me just for a night, to be totally honest. There's nothing in the bedroom besides our clothes lol We're never in there unless I'm working out (he's definitely never in there except to change clothes), and the cat likes to hang out in there sometimes. But usually she's in the living room with us.
I'll try to let him know, I'm just scared he'll be upset at me because he's told me multiple times that he wants to give the cat as much freedom as he can give her (because she's an indoor cat).
@silent.dragon: He's very much an animal person and would never get rid of a pet for me, I think lol but I could never ask him to do that either.

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@Lie: I've cried and talked to him that I felt he put his pets above me, but he's always assured me that that's not the case. I believe him, but I always say to him that it's hard to believe him when his actions speak differently. And yes, this is a long-term relationship.
We're really open to one another and we always talk things out, but this time it seems to be really difficult to talk to him about it. I try to be really understanding though, because before he met me, he only had her (the cat).

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I think if it's kitty's usual routine to sleep in the bedroom, it would be a little difficult to suddenly cut her out of it. I don't know how other cats react, but mine doesn't like it when I shut him out of the bedroom (but he doesn't like it either when I shut him IN the bedroom with me to sleep, haha), so I leave the door open a little for him to go in and out freely. However, if your boyfriend is partial to it, you two can work on trying to get kitty out of the bedroom just at night when you sleep. Test kitty to see how well she takes to being shut out of the bedroom - don't do it hours at a stretch, start with minutes, then slowly prolong to an hour and so on. 

Before you sleep every night, use a lint roller or something to brush any fur off the bed, and air the bedroom well in advance. You can even keep the door closed while airing and see how well kitty takes to that. Or is there another bedroom you can retreat to before the immunotherapy?

I'm glad you're not making your boyfriend get rid of the cat and are trying to work things out for all concerned. I wish you luck :)

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@Aziraphale: Thank you :) The cat doesn't sleep in the bedroom. My boyfriend's bed is in the living room, so the cat mostly lounges around there (and sleeps in there). The bedroom is like a dead zone where no one goes lol That's why I thought it would be okay if I slept in there, but then he still wanted the cat to be able to go in there (Even though I think she could care less, because she's barely in that room anyways) =/

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Oh... then well, that makes the problem easier. It's not the cat, it's your boyfriend. Guess you have to work on him. I believe his behaviour stems from a subconscious fear that once you restrict the cat's movements (barring her from the bedroom), you're going to start imposing other rules if your allergies get worse and medication or immunotherapy doesn't work. In worst-case scenarios, he might be forced to choose between kitty and you. I'm not saying that is exactly what he's thinking, but most pet owners who prize their pets' freedom around the house do tend to get uptight concerning what they see is another person's attempt to restrain their pet. It's not always rational, but it is understandable. I say this because I've been through it myself, being the cat slave that I am, haha, and having had rows with my folks about where the cat can go in the house.

Meanwhile, try the airing and lint roller stuff if you haven't been doing that already. Also... perhaps you can use a few small tricks. Cats generally do not like citrus smells, so if you perhaps put a lemony type of air freshener in there, she might not like it enough to venture there at all. Once your boyfriend sees kitty doesn't give two hoots about the room, he wouldn't be so uptight.

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First of all, you are respected by me for not forcing your boyfriend to get rid of his cat. I agree that some people are too much with their pets but as an animal lover myself, I wouldn't ever go out with somebody who doesn't like or hurt animals.

With that said, I think you should fight for your bedroom space. My brothers have three pets and because two of them are not housebroken, they are not allowed in certain areas of the apartment (i.e. my mother's bedroom because my lazy jerk of a brother won't clean up their messes). I have a cat myself and I love him but he's locked out of my room when I'm not home. He makes a mess when he's bored.

I also agree with what Aziraphale says.


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Aziraphale said:
If you can abandon a "cherished" pet in favour of a human, I do not think you have cherished this pet enough. It is also a life. Yes, a human baby is a big responsibility, but so is having a pet. You take in an animal and promise to care it for life, do the best you can for it. If you can't, you have no business taking care of an animal, let alone a human child. If my S/O told me he was getting rid of his pet to accommodate me, I would despise him for it. Similarly, if he forced me to choose between my cat and me, he has zero place in my life.

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I think if my s/o was allergic to anything, I would put their needs first....in this situation, I would ask him to put his cat somewhere else, or move.

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Guest Blue Lemonade

@Aziraphale
As a parent and owner to 2 dogs, I have to agree with silent.dragon.
I agree that owning pets is a HUGE responsibility, but it is nothing compared to parenting a child. I've owned both my dogs since they were 7 weeks old. I would say the first 4-5 months were tough, as they are very much reliant on you, but they do get independent very fast. Whereas a baby, well, they will be dependent on you for a LONG time, longer than the lifespan of any cat & dog. And the type of dependence is way more than that of a pet. Again, I can confidently say that because I have a human child and 2 fur babies. You just cannot compare owning a pet to having a human child. I know I'm going to get some hate for saying this but: my dogs are a valued and important members of our family, but ultimately, they are replaceable, and my family is NOT replaceable. I strive to be great pet owners, I do not EVER intend to get rid of my dogs. I give them the best feed on the market. They get lots of love. BUT if my dogs show unnecessary aggression towards my child, or if my child develops nasty allergy to dogs (ones that cannot be easily controlled), then for the well being of my family I will sadly let them go to another family. So at the end of the day, if I had to choose between my child/husband or my dogs, I will not hesitate to choose my family. I will own many dogs during my life as their life span is only typically 10-15  years old, but my children and husband are with me for life. I agree with you in the sense that pet ownership is not to be taken lightly but it is not always black and white. I cannot place my dogs above my family's need.

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Guest HavenInMuse

So I can relate to this, because my boyfriend is very allergic to cats/dogs (and dustmites). He's always taking allergy medications, and can have trouble sleeping at night, and can't play with our dog too long. Before meeting him, I've always owned dogs, and I know I would always want a dog around in my life. In the beginning of dating, he would stay over in my studio with me and Cosmo and have trouble sleeping through the night. But he never complained or told me he wanted to get rid of the dog, which I have to say, I am so grateful for. He would suffer on through, and I tried to keep things clean. I did have to make sure Cosmo doesn't sleep on the bed anymore. We bought air filters, hypoallergenic sheets/pillows, washed our hands after touching the dog, etc.
Recently, we have gotten our own place, and I would help him by washing our pillows/sheets regularly, keeping the dog out of the bedroom, his study, and his workout room. We made sure to get a place without carpet flooring and I would vacuum the house to rid of pet hair and dander everyday before he gets home from work.
It was tough, but we can't be happier right now, with our little family.

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