A secret affair or just delusional?

I have a friend who is into older men, so she will like any man she sees who looks "mature" and older. She is only 21 by the way. And since I am 4 years older than her, I am like her big sister.

So the story starts four months ago when she told me she saw and talked to an older man who came to her workplace. My friend says he is like twenty years older than her (or more). She said that it was like a "korean drama," when the main girl first meet the main guy. She said he is a regular customer and always come everyday to get his coffee so she always see him. My friend claims that they flirted with each other a bit and talked a lot. That's how she developed feelings for him. Then one day, my friend told me that she saw him holding a little girl's hand, and she assumed that it was probably his daughter. Then she found out he was married.

She cried a lot. Then she later realized how much she "loves" him and still accepted his marriage. So when I met this guy and actually got the chance to talk to him, he totally looks like he is not interested in my friend and had no idea what my friend meant when she said he was "flirting" with her.

Question is, how the heck am I going to help her move on and get over this guy? She seriously need to understand that he is not interested in her and he is freaken married. I mean, I think this "relation" is super disgusting and I just want to tell her to suck up and move on, but I don't want to be too harsh to her. I tried to have my boyfriend advised her because we all are friends for a long time, and he us more patient than me. But still, she wouldn't listen to my BF's advices.

And I am even more curious, did they really had a "secret affair" that's why she's so into him or was he just trying to be nice and she took it the wrong way?either way, it is far too risky. Uhh! Stressed out!

Need opinions and suggestions here!

Only she can get over it. Why are you stressing out?

This isn't your problem. You can make it your problem though. You can say, "Oh but she is my good friend, her life is my life, blah blah."

But that's rubbish. Her life is hers, and yours is yours.

Tell her what you'd like if you think it'd help, but it's always going to be her decision. It doesn't even matter if you want to respect or accept that. That's just the truth.

People these days like to make misery for themselves, but imagine others are doing it to them. lol. You want to talk about delusions? Theres one for ya.

I don't know if your friend is someone who's never had a boyfriend before so she relies on Korean dramas to tell her how a real life romance should be like. It sounds like she has the typical small talk with this guy while she's getting his coffee and in her mind, she takes it as flirting. (guessing your friend serves coffee at work) Your friend doesn't love this guy; she's trying to create some sort of K-drama fairytale in her head.

There's really nothing you can do for her. She will eventually get over this guy who doesn't see her as anyone more than a barista (again, assuming she works at a cafe). I mean, maybe you could find her a guy who would actually like to be with her and it'll take the married guy off her mind.
I'm guessing this is the friend obsessed with the dead celebrity in your other thread.

She watches too much kdrama!!

Have you ever talked to her about why she thinks he is flirting with her?
Have you every pointed out that her thoughts were not right?
Is she missing some kind of father figure in her life?

Only she can get over it. Why are you stressing out?

This isn't your problem. You can make it your problem though. You can say, "Oh but she is my good friend, her life is my life, blah blah."

But that's rubbish. Her life is hers, and yours is yours.

Tell her what you'd like if you think it'd help, but it's always going to be her decision. It doesn't even matter if you want to respect or accept that. That's just the truth.

People these days like to make misery for themselves, but imagine others are doing it to them. lol. You want to talk about delusions? Theres one for ya.

It just irritates me how she dumbing herself to a guy who doesn't care for her. I just feel so bad. She went through he'll in her life and she's going through it again. I'm just stressing because I feel bad for not helping her whenever she talks to me.

I don't know if your friend is someone who's never had a boyfriend before so she relies on Korean dramas to tell her how a real life romance should be like. It sounds like she has the typical small talk with this guy while she's getting his coffee and in her mind, she takes it as flirting. (guessing your friend serves coffee at work) Your friend doesn't love this guy; she's trying to create some sort of K-drama fairytale in her head.

There's really nothing you can do for her. She will eventually get over this guy who doesn't see her as anyone more than a barista (again, assuming she works at a cafe). I mean, maybe you could find her a guy who would actually like to be with her and it'll take the married guy off her mind.

I'm guessing this is the friend obsessed with the dead celebrity in your other thread.

Yes! How did you remember that she was the same person with the dead korean celebrity. She finally got over him and now she's into this one.

And yes, she is a cashier in a cafe. I guess I just have to wait for her to get it over with. What can I do for the time being? The guy is like now awkward with her when he found out she liked him and doesn't want to talk to her (I can tell when she says that he speaks less than before to her.) My boyfriend and I tried to find a guy for her but it never goes well. And my friend is a type girl who never have a bf.

Have you ever talked to her about why she thinks he is flirting with her?

Have you every pointed out that her thoughts were not right?

Is she missing some kind of father figure in her life?

She says he give her compliments saying that she's pretty and nice. And he smiles at her alot. I told her that even though she "loves/like" this guy, he's married and it's not right for her to intervene in his marriage and plus, he's not interested.

Absolutely! She's totally missing a father figure in her life. Her father is too tough on her and always tell her that she won't make it in life. So, how does that have to do with her being like this? Let me know please?

I looked up your history of topics you started. =P

People with major obsessions with people or celebrities (or etc) will repeat their behavior until they get some closure with whatever problem they're having. Haha If I was that guy, I would be awkward with your friend, too. It's not that uncommon for an employee to start developing a crush on a frequent customer but since your friend's a stranger, it can be perceived as creepy by the customer. I'm actually surprised he hasn't stopped coming to that cafe in general.

I'm no psychiatrist but it seems like your friend will have this obsession problem for years to come. (Well, I still do but I'm not as extreme as your friend.) In the long run, she might look for the wrong guy to fill that void inside herself. The other problem is that she's relying on Kdramas to tell her how a perfect guy should be, meaning that she's looking for someone non-existent.

What you can do is just be a good friend and give her support by acting normal. You know hang out with her, etc. Or you can suggest therapy which may or may not go over so well.

supposedly customer always try to be nice to the batista so their "food/drink" will taste good. And of course some are nice by nature, I would give him the benefit of a doubt that he is by nature nice.

because she never had a bf before so in her mind is a picture perfect imagination of what could be of her first relationship.

The only thing you can do is sit her down and talk some sense into the situation. Let him being mean to her a few times so she would get the fact straight, or just ask him to stop coming

The reason why I asked if she has a father figure in life is because you mentioned she is always interested in older men.
Research has shown that women with absent fathers while growing up are more likely to fall for older men and have numerous short relationships.This is because they are looking to replace the affection and attention that is normally provided by their fathers.  Although your friend's father is still in her life, it sounds like does not provide the affection and emotional support your friend sorely needs. Therefore, she craves attention and approval, and will over focus on men who gives her that hint of attention.
I think she is very lucky to have a friend that cares about her. You being there to listen and looking out for her is huge. So please don't feel bad.It is good that you are not reinforcing her obsessive thoughts. Do gently challenge her "irrational" thoughts. Point out what she thinks may not be true. But don't bluntly reject her thoughts. She need to air it out and it sounds like you are doing a good job at listening to her.I would try the slowly change the subject when she talks about him. So that you are listening and slowly help redirect her thoughts to something else.
Is she able to access any counselling service?Because what she needs to realise is the difference between guys being "friendly" or "interested." What I am concerned about is how easy she can be taken advantage of. 
 

I understand how concern you are to your friend. But as of this time, she is in the stage where she's being emotional and could not think straight. The best way to do is to be patient with her. Don't try to nag her everyday that what she's doing is disgusting, she will not appreciate it. Let her feel that you care and let her understand that their are still better man waiting for her, but don't ever nag her and impose your principle , she will never listen. The perfect way to talk to her is to find the right timing, if you are really that close then your instinct will guide you when to talk, don't leave your eyes to her also, because at this point she will have this tendency to do crazy stuff just to get close to that guy.

Goodluck to you and she's lucky to have you as her friend.     

I looked up your history of topics you started. =P

People with major obsessions with people or celebrities (or etc) will repeat their behavior until they get some closure with whatever problem they're having. Haha If I was that guy, I would be awkward with your friend, too. It's not that uncommon for an employee to start developing a crush on a frequent customer but since your friend's a stranger, it can be perceived as creepy by the customer. I'm actually surprised he hasn't stopped coming to that cafe in general.

I'm no psychiatrist but it seems like your friend will have this obsession problem for years to come. (Well, I still do but I'm not as extreme as your friend.) In the long run, she might look for the wrong guy to fill that void inside herself. The other problem is that she's relying on Kdramas to tell her how a perfect guy should be, meaning that she's looking for someone non-existent.

What you can do is just be a good friend and give her support by acting normal. You know hang out with her, etc. Or you can suggest therapy which may or may not go over so well.

Actually, my friend said he stopped coming and only comes here and there but she doesn't see him anymore. I think she got pretty sad when he stopped coming. Thanks for the tip

supposedly customer always try to be nice to the batista so their "food/drink" will taste good. And of course some are nice by nature, I would give him the benefit of a doubt that he is by nature nice.

because she never had a bf before so in her mind is a picture perfect imagination of what could be of her first relationship.

The only thing you can do is sit her down and talk some sense into the situation. Let him being mean to her a few times so she would get the fact straight, or just ask him to stop coming

Oh yeah, with him gone, she kindarealize but I think she got a little worse. Now she thinks he doesn't like her as much she thought he did.

The reason why I asked if she has a father figure in life is because you mentioned she is always interested in older men.

Research has shown that women with absent fathers while growing up are more likely to fall for older men and have numerous short relationships.

This is because they are looking to replace the affection and attention that is normally provided by their fathers.  

Although your friend's father is still in her life, it sounds like does not provide the affection and emotional support your friend sorely needs. Therefore, she craves attention and approval, and will over focus on men who gives her that hint of attention.

I think she is very lucky to have a friend that cares about her. You being there to listen and looking out for her is huge. So please don't feel bad.

It is good that you are not reinforcing her obsessive thoughts. Do gently challenge her "irrational" thoughts. Point out what she thinks may not be true. But don't bluntly reject her thoughts. She need to air it out and it sounds like you are doing a good job at listening to her.

I would try the slowly change the subject when she talks about him. So that you are listening and slowly help redirect her thoughts to something else.

Is she able to access any counselling service?

Because what she needs to realise is the difference between guys being "friendly" or "interested." What I am concerned about is how easy she can be taken advantage of. 

 

Thank you in a million! It was really helpful! Well, she can't access to any counseling because she is afraid to and she doesn't have any money.

Any nice older man who show kindness, my friend will assume it was out of generosity and love. She told me that she can't help but feel love and joy whenever that happens.

I understand how concern you are to your friend. But as of this time, she is in the stage where she's being emotional and could not think straight. The best way to do is to be patient with her. Don't try to nag her everyday that what she's doing is disgusting, she will not appreciate it. Let her feel that you care and let her understand that their are still better man waiting for her, but don't ever nag her and impose your principle , she will never listen. The perfect way to talk to her is to find the right timing, if you are really that close then your instinct will guide you when to talk, don't leave your eyes to her also, because at this point she will have this tendency to do crazy stuff just to get close to that guy.

Goodluck to you and she's lucky to have you as her friend.     

Thanks. My friend isn't getting any better but she communicates more efficient with me now.

My friend doesn't realize her worth or another possibility of loving any man at this period if time. But I am trying my best to help her with that. Frustrating but when she started to smile more, I feel more relieved.

jly31 has hit the nail on the head. People will always seek to latch on to things they lack but others have.
It even sounds like she has been creating a script to match her view of how her life should be.
In this case, she's latched onto the customer because he fits into the fantasy world that she has built for herself and finding out that he is in fact married and completely uninterested in her is probably more fitting into her fantasy than not: the unattainable partner. Her "grief" probably fits into the tragic script that she has fashioned for herself. 
How many times has this sort of scene happened?Girl works at a cafe and meets a guy customer. He comes back regularly and is always nice and polite. Always has a kind word for her and happy to chat. Girl begins to fall for guy but he is actually married and has only been chatting to Girl out of courtesy. Girl finds out he is married and is shattered but holds a faint hope that one day that marriage will fall apart and she has her chance with him. 
Your friend doesn't need nagging or helpful advice so much as serious therapy. She has acute low self esteem issues. Like jly31 said, she needs to have her inner demons  drawn out into the open so she can begin to see that she is clinging to a fantasy. 

I have a question. You said that she's the same friend with an obssession on a past Korean celebrity but in that thread, you mentioned that she's two years younger while on here, you say it's four years? Are they really the same person? Because if the answer is yes, I can see the connection.

Anyway, back to the topic, there's no other way to help her but to be patient. She'll have to deal with it on her own. You, as a friend, can only advice her or guide her. It's her choice to listen and her will to change.

Just like what the previous posters said, the reason she's into older men might be because of the lack of affection and attention she had received from her father when she was younger. Problems regarding someone's behaviour is usually due to what they experience during childhood. She's seeking for a fatherly figure to compensate what she was deprived of when she was a child.

Since she's also a fan of a kdramas, it just makes it worse that she had to work in a cafe and serve a regular customer who is an older man. That just feeds her ideal reality or imagination. It seems like the man is just being nice and friendly as a customer. Being someone who seems to be quite emotional and sensitive, according to your descriptions of her, I can see why she would have mistaken the man's intention. As he shows no interest in her, based on your observation and his reaction to her thinking that he was flirting with her, your friend is probably overthinking and being over-sensitive about other people.

If you don't mind, is it okay if I ask if she's a little of an introvert or anti-social?

Keion said: Only she can get over it. Why are you stressing out?

This isn't your problem. You can make it your problem though. You can say, "Oh but she is my good friend, her life is my life, blah blah."

But that's rubbish. Her life is hers, and yours is yours.

Tell her what you'd like if you think it'd help, but it's always going to be her decision. It doesn't even matter if you want to respect or accept that. That's just the truth.

People these days like to make misery for themselves, but imagine others are doing it to them. lol. You want to talk about delusions? Theres one for ya.

@ayahuasca‌

I tried telling her to get help but she said she doesn't have money. She have gotten a little better now that she doesn't see him anymore but she said she still dreams about him. Smh.

@unhskikr4ever‌

Oh crap! Did I write 4 yrs on the other one? Wtf!? My typo. didn't catch that. Yes, of course she's the same person. She's 2 yes younger than me. I know. I told her about the absence of a father story. She understands now but she can't help but find interest in older men, according to her. But if you say she's introvert, she'll be so mad. Even my advices richard simmons her off.

@Ninshark‌

Yes! I feel you! Seriously! I totally understand. I honestly feel bad as a person and as a friend when I am not considerate of my friends. Because in the days, I was not a good friend. I would so dismiss my friends when they have problems like this. Now, since I have a lot of friends who are suicidal, I watch out, including this particular friend. Thanks for sharing that personal experience. I can really relate to it!

What she really needs is an older guy to go out with then completely break her heart, that might shake her out of it. Desperate measures