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Letting go of my fiancé, what should I do?


nosilla

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So, I've been thinking a lot lately. My fiancé is in the Marines, and I'm a student. My family are against our relationship because they can't see eye to eye with him and I. We made plans for our future already. Just yesterday I told him I didn't want our relationship to keep going, why? It's because before I met my fiancé I had a huge crush on this guy. He's also in a relationship. I haven't seen him for 2 months, so when I finally did again yesterday. It hit me.

How can I love someone who loves me wholeheartedly, when I still have feelings for another. So I had to let him go, but as of now I don't know what to do cause I'm stuck in between. I don't want to be with this crush of mine, it just made me realize that if I still think of another and feel for another, I shouldn't deserve such a man like him.

What should I do? He's making me make a decision tonight, and if my decision is to leave him he's going to commit suicide and if I stay I'll only feel guilty.

I told him he should just love on and find someone who would love him more than I do, but he said he's not going to look anymore if he doesn't have me. He's been through a lot of bad relationships. He needs me more than I need him.

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Guest I_play_with_dolls

The thing is it isn't fair to him that you still have feelings for another, but it isn't fair to YOU that he is using a threat such as suicide to make you stay in a relationship. That is abusive and manipulative. I feel like you should let him go, however if you do, you should not feel responsible for his actions. You can always support him to find another love, but he needs to face reality that he cannot make you love him. 

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While I don't think it's right for him to threaten you with his suicide, I don't think it was right for you to commit to a relationship when you didn't love him. You shouldn't have said "yes" to the engagement if you had your doubts. You mentioned that you and he had made plans for your future already- does include wedding expenses?  Are you close to his family? Could you possibly let them know that he is thinking of suicide? What about his friends? He needs all the support he can get right now. 

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I think you gut instinct tells you a lot. It was very brave and considerate of you to let him go. It is not right for him to use his life to threaten you. If you are worried about his threat, can you contact his family or friends and ask them to watch over him?

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Guest Tofu_Cloud

Don't make the same mistake I did.... break up and don't drag it any longer, otherwise you are just gonna end up divorcing later on in the future anyways.


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I think you made the right choice by leaving him now, dont let him threaten you you with suicide, dont ever  let that stop you from breaking up now, he cant tell you what to do.

I also heard that Marines are very abusive to their wives, I would never marry a Marine, they're a little waco in my opinion, also life with a Marine is hard because they get deployed a lot and the wives have to stay behind, lots of marriages never work out because of the tough lifestyle , you wont be happy either, so dont feel guilty, dont ever marry someone because you feel sorry for them, it's a mistake.

if he does attempt suicide or get depressed, the Marines will discharge him or he will get kicked out for sure

another thing you have to worry about is he may try to come after you and try to harm you, when guys get crazy like that they may even attempt a murder suicide and take you with them.

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Guest writerstale

@nosilla: So basically you want to end it with your fiance because your family doesn't approve of him, you date primarily for your family and not for yourself, and there's new d*** on the horizon, and you figure he's your "out." But I feel like your fiance shouldn't take the I'm going to pretend to commit suicide route if you don't choose him, etc. I think you should be more honest with your fiance about why you're breaking up with him, and own up to your part of the wrong's in ending this relationship as a young woman.

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This is going to sound too simple, but that's because it is.

Pick up a rock, and now observe the grip your hand has on it. Notice that if you squeeze it hard, your hand will begin to hurt.

This is the same with things you become overly attached to. You will experience pain.

Now then, let the rock go, let it drop to the ground, and move about your way. Observe the simplicity of letting that rock go.

This is how you let things go. You simply drop it, and move on.

Can you do this?

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Guest deeellely

Lie said: Have to assume there's more beneath the surface, because leaving a fiance merely because you developed an interest in someone else? I suppose some people find someone and never have a second thought about anyone else, but they're in the vast, vast minority. Most adults can develop a crush on someone outside of their relationship from time to time; in my opinion it's human nature. Those who have true maturity just don't act on it. Doesn't mean the feelings won't exist.

His reaction was extreme, but when my girlfriend of two years broke up with me I felt that way as well. Not forever, just for a time. You put so much time into them, so much love into them, you have all these presupposed notions about how you'll spend the rest of your life with them. Then suddenly it's all dashed and you're left picking up the pieces of what you thought the rest of your life was going to be. Until you move on emotionally, and then you're the opposite of suicidal: more, "screw them I'm better off without them anyway!" haha.

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I'm so confused right now... why is everyone supporting OP? can nobody see the truth?? Has anyone here actually had a relationship and was actually in love? You know all I see in the story is excuses excuses and whining. Everything is nosilla's fault and her fiance actually feels that way (suicidal) right now. TONs of guys feel that way about break up, especially when it's a girl giving excuses. It's sooooo... annoying. Girls like this, don't know what they want, keep making excuses because they are so guilty of some underlying thing they won't mention... I wouldn't be surprised if he killed you before he killed himself. He won't stop thinking like that until he actually gets over you. You probably ruined his life (at least for a couple months). I can't believe you honestly think that you leaving him because you're unworthy is the answer, that's one of the stupidest things I've heard all too often. Are you not thinking about the fact that you leaving him is actually MUCH worse??

Look if you're breaking up because he's bad for you, not really a good guy, has no future, no chemistry, no love, drugs, has a bad family etc... then ok. but if you're breaking up because you tell him you don't deserve him... I hope he kills you first then. this poop is ridiculous... I mean COME ON, it's obvious you don't love him. why don't you just tell him straight up? it's these excuses that actually make people crazy, and if he goes crazy... good luck to you. I know you're afraid of the repercussions, and it's why you're asking on this forum, but you did this to yourself, irresponsibly, and you just might have to take up that responsibility for your actions, because if you don't, then he'll force you to.

I'm getting hella worked up about this, but I'm on his side... I've been through this before, @rekashin has been through this before...(you should read his thread, it'll give you insight on how your relationship might become) some girls are just so weak it hurts.

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Guest atarie

If he's honestly using suicide to keep you that's not real love anyways. That's a relationship doomed for failure. He's just grasping at straws to make things work. Even if you stayed the relationship is damaged it will never be like it use to be. Also you can't let the fear of him hurting himself make you stay with him. You'll never be happy then and in turn that won't make him happy either. Make the decision that you can live with. Also sorry to say but you're really messed up for what you've done to him. You said yes to a marriage proposal just to take it back. But i suppose that's better than getting married and then getting divorced. Good Luck.

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Guest starfishnuna

It's very immature of him to use suicide to threaten you to stay with him. However, all aspects aside (your parents, etc), you have to consider whether you still love him, are you just tempted by the idea of the third party, or simply finding an excuse to end things with him. None of these makes you a bad person, but love is learning to love the person you found, rather than finding the right person. If you truly don't love him now, how can you possibly even think of getting married to him?

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  • 1 month later...
Guest matt_c676

Everyone's situation is different including yours. By reading so many different opinions here will make it harder to make your decision. If you do decide to move on, just make sure you have plenty of support around you and make plans to fill your life with other things which includes a healthy and active lifestyle. 

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 2 months later...
Guest frnknstn

No it's not. Don't be ignorant. However, it's not something that should be used to threaten someone.

Anyways.
I'm surprised you can still like someone else while being engaged. I'm assuming you aren't mature enough for marriage if you can get engaged to one man yet like another. Are you sure you're not just infatuated with your crush?
Love isn't something that just happens, neither is a relationship. It's not something you drop because you see something better. It's something you build and work for with someone. The grass is greener where you water it.

Ignorant about what? I'm just stating my opinions. I find suicide to be very cowardly. Pretty much says "I give up on life" Killing yourself ruins all chances of your life ever getting better.

Also, people who are suicidal really do need help. Stop spouting your opinions as facts

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Wow, love can cause all sorts of problems. Just fake your death, and move to someplace ''where no one can find you'' because they always suggest that in K-DRAMAS.

This way you'll beat him to the punch, and he will not try to suicide.

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