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Mysteries About Love: A Ladies' FAQ Thread


Guest alphaoxytocin

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Guest alphaoxytocin

Curious about how love works? Perhaps we got your answer!



This is a FAQ specifically for the LADIES. But gents, you are also welcome to check it out!

(This is a thread in collaboration with @alphaone.)



Because we have seen similar types of love-related problems and have been receiving many similar questions in private, we believe that it would be a good idea to sum things up here and help those who are in need for help or just want to learn more.





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Love-Related Frequently Asked Questions for LADIES


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Q1. I recently met a guy and I think he’s a sweet guy and all, but how can I tell if I actually like him?



A: This question is very common for girls, but can also occur in guys. So guys, don’t be hesitant to read as well!



Many influences have shaped our view in who we should choose as our romantic partner. This includes the things we see and hear from the media, friends, family members (parents especially!), etc. In our modern society, we often run into the problem of loving only with the “mind”, which confuses us about what our “heart” actually wants. Ideally, we want to be with someone whom our “heart” is truly attracted to, and simultaneously be satisfied with what our “mind” thinks he/she should be in order to meet our modern life standards. Sometimes we get too carried away with who our “mind” thinks we should be with, we underestimate that our “heart” is what greatly determines the strength of a love bond, which can in turn affect relationship health.



So here is a short checklist of questions you can ask yourself to see what your heart says about him:


A) When he’s not around, do I feel a strong need to be with him immediately?


B) When I am talking to him (including texting), do I often worry if I am being boring/not entertaining enough for him?


C) Do I often find myself waiting for his texts? Do I feel anxious when he doesn't return my texts immediately?


D) When his female friends are hanging out with him or having conversations with him, do I feel uncomfortable or even a bit worried?


E) Do his opinions, judgments, and views influence how I think and what I do?


F) Am I extra careful about how I look, what I say, and how I act in front of him?



If you answered at least 2 yes’s to the questions above, it is likely that your heart feels attracted to him.



Q2. I have a really nice guy friend. But lately, he is acting weirdly and trying to get closer to me (asking me to hang out persistently). I have a good feeling that he is interested in me romantically. He’s a nice guy and all, but I don’t feel the same way towards him. How do I give him the message without making things awkward or risking our friendship?



A:


- First of all, if he never directly admitted to you that he is interested in you but you still have a good feeling that he does, it is highly likely that your feeling is accurate.



- Secondly, friendship is not a one-way street. So if you reject him and he is a sore loser about it, then perhaps there isn’t much to lose after all. If he genuinely cares about the friendship and not getting to know you just to get in your pants, then he will do his part to preserve the friendship and not take the rejection personally.



With that said, the best way to handle this kind of situation is to express to him directly. Here are some pointers as to how you should go about it:



A) You can put the rejection nicely, but do not sugar-coat it.


- That means, there is no need to tell him “you’re a nice guy and all, but…”, because that is a standard opener to a rejection that guys have heard over a million times.


- Sugar-coating would simply not sound truthful and genuine. It would sound like you’re assuming that he would not be able to handle the rejection and you’re just trying to avoid hurting his feelings.


- If you are rejecting him to be your man, at least give him the chance to be a man.



B) Do not make up excuses or external reasons of why you cannot be with him.


- Some examples of excuses include:


> “Timing isn't right.”


> “I’m not completely over my ex, and I am not ready for a new relationship right now.”


> “I don’t have time for relationships right now.” (because of work, study, etc)


> Or the lamest one… “I’m actually a lesbian.” (Come on, don’t do this!)


- Although some of these excuses may be true, most of the time they are not the deciding factor. In most cases, the reason is simple: you just don’t feel attracted to him in that way. And that is absolutely normal! So do not feel too bad about it. Again, if he is a sore loser about it, it isn't your fault!


- Excuses would only make the guy feel like there is hope. He would try harder to fix these excuses you threw at him, instead of getting the hint. This would not be good for you either.



C) Do mention that you treasure the friendship if that is important to you.


- Be mature about it. And if you two are on the same boat, then great! If not, then his true color is showing and perhaps he isn't that great of a friend after all.



One last advice to point out. If you would like to see whether or not he is truly the nice friend that you think he is, an accurate way to tell is to see how he treats his friends (that includes guys). If he is consistently nice, then he is indeed genuine. If not, then clearly he was only being nice to you to impress.



Everyone appreciates honesty! We often hide behind our excuses because of fear or guilt. But at the end of the day, honesty can solve problems and will make our lives easier.




Q3. Why do some guys cheat? What can I do to prevent it from happening to me?


A: Many people believe that there is an easy answer for this, such as “guys are just naturally polygamists”, “guys just want to spread their seeds”, or “guys just want sex”. We do wish that there is a simple answer to tell you, but the truth is, there are many factors that contribute to the act of cheating. In this FAQ, we will be discussing 3 major factors to the acts of cheating by men. As well, we will discuss some things you can do in your control.



A) Avoidant Type


Some cheaters tend to be the avoidant type. This does not only apply to men, but to women as well.


- The reason for their cheating acts is because they are less comfortable with being close.


- This type comes from (1) genetics, and (2) childhood upbringing.


In terms of childhood, often his parents (especially his mother) may NOT have provided him an emotionally secure environment.


> For instance, parental divorce or other parental issues may be some stressors.



B) Comparison


- This means that he compares the following factors:


(1) your perceived value (your “market value” + how much you are offering into the relationship)


(2) his expectations (of the kind of woman he believes that he deserves/wants)


(3) his available options (other potential partners)


- If your value > his expectations, and his options < his expectations, then he is more likely to stay in the current relationship. (Satisfied)


- If your value < his expectations, and his options > his expectations, then he is more likely to leave the current relationship. (Unsatisfied)


- Cheating sometimes occur when your value is greatly under his expectations, but his available options are not that many. (ie. your value << his expectation; his options > his expectations by a small amount).


> This is because he does not want to risk losing the current relationship, but he may wish to test waters.



C) Biological


- Some studies have shown connections between men with higher levels of testosterone and acts of cheating.


> (Note: Higher levels of testosterone is associated with men who appear more “masculine”. They are also rated by women as more attractive, such as having higher facial symmetry.)


- If highly attractive men are cheating, it is rare for them to stop.


> This may be difficult for women to apply, because these men are, at the same time, very attractive.


> An advice for women, as previously stated in Q1, is that love should not only be evaluated with the heart, but also with the mind.


- Important to note: this does NOT justify the acts of cheating, because many women and even their children are affected. Ultimately, as humans, we all have logical abilities to make decisions.


(For those who wish to understand more about the effects of hormones in love relationships, feel free to send us a message.)


- These men may have very passionate feelings initially, but it takes more for them to form stronger, long-term bonds. This is because higher testosterone directly prevents the release of oxytocin, which is responsible for forming love bonds and feelings of love.




- Do men cheat because they are “naturally polygamists”? The short answer is no. We have discussed our answer in the thread here: http://forums.soompi.com/discussion/comment/27405900




So what are some things you can do about this?


a) Understand yourself and what you want from a relationship. Then evaluate with the mind along with feeling with the heart.


- Do get to know his childhood (the environment he grew up in) and family background. If you feel that his background is not something you are compatible with, you may need proceed with caution.


- It may sound great to have a hot sexy boyfriend. But if he is very attractive, chances are he is attractive to some other girls. Do notice the attention he gives inwards (towards you) compared to outwards (towards others). This could be a sign that it is the way he is. Again, know what you want from relationships, and then balance the mind with the heart.


- Remember that you have the power to choose what kind of life you want!



B) Effort into yourself


- People tend to become more comfortable as time goes on and less effort is put in. The “effort” we are talking about is not just the effort you put into the relationship, but more importantly, the effort you put into yourself.


- Couples stay together predominantly because they love who their partner is, not just how their partner treated them.


- Do remember what you did in the beginning of the relationship to impress him. It could be your workout, your hobbies and passions, the make-up, or even the extra effort you put into the way you dressed.


- Ultimately, it takes effort to keep a relationship. Health and appearance may be the two most important aspects men look for in women. Taking better care of yourself may be the effort you need to keep his heart attracted to you.




Q4. My boyfriend has many female friends and they often initiate conversations with him or want to hang out with him. I don’t feel comfortable with him socializing with so many other girls. What should I do?



A:

a) Understand what jealousy is.


- Jealousy is absolutely normal. We often feel jealous for something that we care about.


- Jealousy is often seen as a double-edged sword. On the positive side, it serves as a reminder that you value him highly as your man, and therefore your natural “mate-guarding” instinct surfaces. On the negative side, it can be painful if jealousy is prolonged.


- If other girls are talking to him, this is in fact a sign that your man is attractive and of high value. (At this point, you should be proud of yourself.)



B) Give him the benefit of the doubt.


- Do not assume or accuse. Do not jump to conclusion too early.


- If he tells you that his female friends are just friends, give him the benefit of the doubt and observe.


- Trust is built by taking the leap of faith, not by assumptions or prevention, not by “playing it safe”.


- Respect his words and privacy.


- Directly preventing him from socializing with his friends does not usually work. This is because seeking control and directly limiting his activities may often overwhelm him negatively, and this would in fact push him away further.


- If you love him for who he is, it means that you also love him for his attractiveness and out-going traits.



c) Communication is key.


- Yes, you may have heard this many many times.  In a healthy relationship, it’s important to communicate with each other and express your feelings.


- Convey to him that you trust him and you understand how he feels.


- Instead of telling him what to do or what not to do, try expressing your feelings, in such ways as “I feel hurt/upset/jealous/etc. when _________.”



d) Do not forget about your own life!


- Having a relationship does not mean you should sacrifice your social life!


- Losing social life could affect one’s self-esteem and feelings of security. And those are important materials for cooperation in a couple. In fact, an individual with a healthy social life is more attractive.


- Are you needy? No guy has ever said “One of my criteria for my girlfriend is neediness”.


- A healthy relationship is not one in which the couple cannot live without each other. A strong relationship is when two people can respect each other fully and can still function without each other.


- So instead of worrying about how to prevent him from his social life, perhaps you should just relax and enjoy your own!


- Your man will love and respect you even more for being a psychologically strong, secure, and healthy individual.


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To be continued…



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We will be adding more FAQs to the thread periodically, so stay tuned! If you have any questions that you would like us to give our answers to, please do not hesitate to post them below!



We hope that you will find this thread useful!
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Thanks for this... I've noticed you posting a lot and giving pretty good advice. But before can you let us know a bit about yourself? I know from earlier posts that you're a psychology major. Are you a guy or a girl? And are you single/in a relationship/married? What's your (approximate) age? And are you doing this just to help people or is this related to your field/university project in any way? LOL I hope I don't sound aggressive or anything. I'm just curious. Like I said I do think lots of your advice is pretty good but everybody has their own bias and viewpoints so it'll be nice to get some idea where you're coming from. Thanks for the thread :)

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Guest cristolephe

tamaraleee said: Thanks for this... I've noticed you posting a lot and giving pretty good advice. But before can you let us know a bit about yourself? I know from earlier posts that you're a psychology major. Are you a guy or a girl? And are you single/in a relationship/married? What's your (approximate) age? And are you doing this just to help people or is this related to your field/university project in any way? LOL I hope I don't sound aggressive or anything. I'm just curious. Like I said I do think lots of your advice is pretty good but everybody has their own bias and viewpoints so it'll be nice to get some idea where you're coming from. Thanks for the thread :)

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Guest alphaone

@tamaralee

Thank you for your question.  We've been making responses to people on Soompi for a while and I'm sure a lot of you are curious about who we are and why we are doing this.  We're glad that you brought this up!  Our goal here is to bring the best help to people in the realm of love and relationships, and this is not for any work or school related!  @alphaoxytocin and I are two guys in mid 20's who have been interested in the psychology behind love/romantic relationships for a long time.  We gain our understanding from our own observations, personal experiences and learning psychology scientifically, and now we are here to share our information in hopes to help those in need.
We try our best to be as neutral and unbiased as possible in order to give you guys the best help that you can get.  Like you said, everyone has different backgrounds and experiences (which often come in package with personal emotions), and we believe that our personal biases may be obstructive to our goal.  Personal biases may cause inaccuracies in the answers that we give.  That is why we don't often reply in a "personal" manner, and we "stick to the facts".

As @nyckira mentioned, one should definitely not follow any one person's advice "religiously". The information we give out may not be perfect nor always correct, so be sure to evaluate for yourself how the information may be useful to you!  However, we believe that it will be beneficial to a lot of people.  One research showed that love is the single most popular topic in personal conversations in North America, so love must be important or at least very interesting to the majority.  We hope that reading our thread will not only be informative to you, but also entertaining.

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@nyckira thanks for backing me up! I don't really know what the other guy was talking about LOL, sounds like a pretty good science fiction novel though.
@alphaone fair enough :) I'm read your responses a few other times and they were pretty gold. Like I said I hope I didn't offend you guys. I was just curious. On with the thread!

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Guest writerstale

@tamaraleee: You don't sound aggressive, but you seem like you're into him, and it shows. Go on ahead and ask for his number.

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  • 4 weeks later...
Guest alphaoxytocin

Question 3 is up! Be sure to check it out and leave comments or questions if you have any! Enjoy

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Guest alphaoxytocin

Rip Tide said: Can you do a guys' FAQs? For Q1, I got like 5 yes's. Is that natural if I feel most of those for a crush I don't know..?

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Guest fairytaledreamer

The first 5 applies but not the last one so does it mean I'm not as interested (?) However he suggested us to be friends so idk ...

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest alphaone

Q4 is up!


Also we’ve been getting a few requests to open a section for guys, so we will be working towards that in the near future. 
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