Just graduated from high school and ready to go out and be ambitious, but parents are too dependent

Hello Soompiers,

I would really like your opinion on my situation because I need to decide if I should go to community college to stay close and support my family, or I should move out to find a better college for me and find a job but still send support to my parents and younger siblings. This is a life changing decision for me because I might lose my relationship with my parents if I decide to leave. Its hard for me to decide because my life had revolved around them and vice versa now that I am older... it would seem heartless to leave them. But this is my story, please consider my whole situation and give any thoughts or advices.

My dad came from Vietnam and arrived in the US by boat with his family. He is the oldest son of his parents and was always working hard. He met my mom in the US and had first born my older sister at age sixteen. When I was young at around age five, my dad had divorced with my biological mom, who was loving yet neglecting towards me and my two year older sister. My dad was very poor and worked at low paying jobs but he made the choice to keep his two daughters. Two years later, he went to Vietnam and married his cousin's friend, whom he brang back to the US. Since then, she became my step-mother. She was truly beautiful and had came from a moderately rich family. She could have her pick at any guy, but she chose my dad, who was older by around ten years and was average in appearance yet funny and sweet. She knew my dad was divorced and had two kids, but she claims to marry my dad because she pitied him and wanted to help. She almost never admits to loving him, and the first years with her and my sister was accepting and warm.

The next year, she was pregnant. I adored the baby when it was born and I learned to care for him, which was the same with my older sister. As I grew older, I took on more responsibilities that was taught and expected by my step-mom like dishwashing, bottle feeding, sweeping, babysitting, or anything that dealt with cleaning. She is extremely traditional and worships the Buddha, but she has never taught or informed her children of its teachings and yet she is constantly stating and pushing her stereotypical, superstitious, religious, or especially family beliefs and old tradition on my sister and me. She became the head of the house and my father became more docile to her. Nonetheless, he always came with the ideas to move to different places, which we did a few times. My step-mom was smart but protective, or for a better word: strict. Half the time she is yelling and disagreeing with my sister and me when we want to do something. She turns everything negative and was really controlling. She was the one to make the final decision if my sister or I could hang out with our cousins, and rarely could we with our friends because it would have been difficult to even bring up the topic. So I had always been stuck at home, caring for my little half-brother with my sister while my parents worked.

During the beginning of my teen years, my little brother had begun school and my step-mom bribed me to tutor him. My older sister was more known to be a socialite and had gained more freedom. As the years past while I was in middle school and my brother in elementary, my free time was increasingly consumed to teaching my little brother math, writing, reading, and etc with workbooks. My step-mom was seriously into good grades and would never let her son become a dimwit, so she assured that he gained the education through me (my dad couldn't care less about grades). I began to feel like she was using me like a slave even when I knew she was trying to work and support the family, but she expected way too much from a young teen. However, I did it: doing chores, tutoring, and kid-sitting everyday. I am a neat freak and perfectionist and I would do my chores sometimes as a stress-reliever but somehow the house always look as it was before I cleaned it the day after and I get frustrated. My little brother was girly and spoilt and still acted as a baby while growing up because my dad and step-mom were so afraid to let him do things on his own and underestimated what he could have been doing, which in turn, gave me more work and barely had time to play outside. My step-mom was also a work-a-holic and did not believe we should be playing when kids in Vietnam were working hard, but times has changed and it is different living in US than Vietnam. She is so focused on making money for a good house et cetera that she doesn't want to enjoy life or have fun. We always eat her Vietnamese home-cooked food which is boring and bland when the same food is cooked every twice a week. And although it sounds as complaining, she always make so many dirty dishes and I was officially the dishwasher by my sister already.

In the years of high school, I had to juggle my school work and homework with tutoring and overseeing my brother's school work. And FML, my step-mother had to have an unplanned, accidental pregnancy or so my dad says... Even when you know high school grades are important for college, my step-mom had obviously cared and stressed more about my little brother's grade. And I would do chores, tutor him, then, do my homework or study. When my youngest brother was born, we had to be more cautious of our finances. With another brother, I had even less time for myself to ever join school clubs and activities. My sister had learned to do nails with my parent and when she graduated high school, she gradually moved out the house without much conflict. Now, it was only my parents and my two younger brothers. I tried to join clubs and track and field, but I couldn't because I didn't have time with babysitting, tutoring, cleaning, schooling, and doing homework everyday. I tried to stop tutoring a couple times but my step-mom would try to bribe me back to it and stayed adamant. A year later, I would work nails with my parents and simultaneously babysit and tutor when it wasn't busy.

Now that I have graduated from high school, I'm eager to be independent and working for myself. I am currently working as a nail technician with my parents and doing the same responsibilities. Truthfully, I only get paid by tip money and my step-mom takes the rest as I am working to support the family. My step-mom would like for me to go to community college since it would be free of cost with my scholarship and I would be close so I would stay in the house to still babysit and tutor. They need me to stay with them but I need some freedom, and with my controlling step-mom--- she barely lets me stay up and continues to take away any device I have during the night. Also, my dad may be the reason we are struggling to sustain a steady finance because he always want to move, buy a house, and buy off a nail salon so quickly but we end up moving a few years after for reasons that are unnecessary. My youngest three year old brother had become the worst burden I could have at this time. I don't want to be selfish, but now I have much more responsibilities and my step-mom have countless of excuses to keep me at home. I believe I deserved to have that freedom before my youngest brother was born, but now that is taken away. All of my cousins and sister agree that I shouldn't be living like this and my parents should find a babysitter and stop depending on me because without me, they would struggle keeping up work at the nail salon (my step-mom is money greedy and don't want to hire anyone since she has me) and caring for my two younger brother. And unfortunately my ten year old brother acts as a five year old and fights with my three year old brother everyday for toys. My ten year old brother can't even shower himself! My step-mom is told to be a pinkberry* by other family members since she is demanding but she could be understanding. She made a point that she wanted my sister and me to continue supporting the family by giving money during the prime of our career and assumed that I would happily stay in the house for as long as I could until I marry (sort of ridiculous). My father worked hard for us, so he also believes we should payback and my brothers didn't want me to leave. The only time I leave is going shopping at the mall.

What do I do? My grades are good and I am smart enough to get into a good four year college but I have not been able to do scholarships and much planning because of the responsibilities and constant moving. Another option is that I could stay with them for two years during community college and transfer to a university away from them. But I am depressed living with my parents and I share a room with my younger annoying brother. I'm starting to think I have nothing to live for except supporting my family. They make me feel bad, selfish, and just as my sister who moved out to her boyfriend (but they were okay with that since they still had me) when I feel this way. If they had two daughters that had left them behind... that would break their heart and altogether, they would shun and ignore us. Fortunately, I have cousins, aunts, and uncles that would gladly take me in their house from in and out of state, accept my decision, and enable me to attend a close college. I am on the verge of needing to decide because my unhappiness with them is obvious and the tension between my parents and me is increasing for my decision. At the same time, I feel like I have to do this for my family...

live your life, dont live by someone else story book

Consider moving out. Friend lived in that kind of household for years before she just couldn't take it anymore and left.
But I'm sure someone will call me culturally insensitive since this is the norm in some asian cultures where children are expected to obey their parents and give their life to them.

Your brothers are your step-mom's responsibility, not yours.You have to clean those boys, tutor, and do chores.... you're practically a "Cinderella".
I think you have to move out, go to a good college and get a good job.If you stayed, you would end up stuck working at their nail salon and babysitting job.
You should sit down with your dad, without your step-mom preferrably, and tell him to let you go, so that you can go to a good college, and a good job later, and that way can support your family financially better if you must.

You should do what is best for you and your future. I know you think it is selfish, but your family is basically asking you to throw away your entire future just so they can have a free babysitter/employee. You don't want to look back five years from now and wonder 'what could have been' had your family not guilt tripped you into becoming their slave. 

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Here's something for you: http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01/top-five-regrets-of-the-dying

It's an article about the top five regrets of the dying. One of them is living a life to someone else's expectations.

Live for yourself. Do what you want. If you fail, who cares. Try again. And if you keep failing, chances are you'll find something else you'll succeed at.

I can tell by the way you write that you're intelligent and potential. Don't ruin it.

Who's life are you living? You have a life, and you need to get married and support your own family in the future too! I'm not saying you shouldn't help them. But it's your life, if you can't support yourself, you shouldn't be supporting other people! You need to be happy too! After you get older you can help them out, but I know someone who is in your shoes too. They moved out because they couldn't stand it.

unless you have at least a 4.0 with good SAT scores, community college will probably land you in a better university anyways just FYI.
most community colleges have waivers that are fairly easy to get compared to financial aid grants, so assuming you aren't dirt poor (what you need to be to get decent financial aid grants), you will save at least 10 thousand dollars a year for the 2 years you are in community college, and that is from tuition alone. on top of this you will probably save $500 a month on rent since u would live with your family. 
10 grand x 2 = 20 grand. 500 x 24 (2 years) = 12 thousand... you will save a total of 32 thousand dollars + w/e you save on food / entertainment with the free time you will have since you aren't busy taking care of your family. 
If your dreams, and money, and ambition is your only reason to leave your family, don't do it. you are throwing away 30 grand you could invest into success. 
If your reasons are just that you are fed up with your family, and you just don't want to take care of them, it is your life and you can do what you want, however, never lie to yourself to get yourself to make the "easy choice" when deep inside you feel it is the "wrong" choice. Don't use delusion to mask your guilt. 
Face your choices head on with an honest heart. there are indeed situations where a family takes you for granted and you are better off on your own. A family is a family because of consideration for each other. once that consideration is gone, you no longer have a family.

Move out. Live your life. Step mum is guilt tripping you. Her sons is her responsibility. Sounds like she wants them to have a better life then you. Very selfish of her. You have done more then enough. If you dont get out now you will be trapped forever. And this bs about you can leave when you get married. How can u get married if you cant even have time to yourself to even find someone. And I bet when you do find someone she will disapprove so you will be there to help her forever.

Get out while you can! Or be trapped forever!

her accidental pregnancy, her responsibility
i personally don't see the logic she could have used into guilt tripping you into basically taking the role of the mother for 2 kids when you yourself are still a kid, but i'm not that obedient a daughter so ...

are there dorming options are your community college? or even move into an apartment nearby? it sounds like you need to force yourself out of the situation, but due to finances, still need stay close to home
oops left out the last paragraph
if your relatives are supportive of you getting out, then GO you have no excuse !
who cares about your family? they clearly don't care about how you're feeling. family should be a give and take thing, helping each other out cos you love each other but you're giving your whole life up for your stepmum that doesn't give a richard simmons about you. she doesn't want you to stay cos she loves you, she wants you to stay because you're convenient and free labour

Soooo .... Any updates?

raymondc27 said: live your life, dont live by someone else story book

Eulalie said: You've done more than enough to help your family. I think you should move out since that's what you really want to do. Maybe your ten year old brother could help out now, I mean he's old enough.

esapele said: Move out. Live your life. Step mum is guilt tripping you. Her sons is her responsibility. Sounds like she wants them to have a better life then you. Very selfish of her. You have done more then enough. If you dont get out now you will be trapped forever. And this bs about you can leave when you get married. How can u get married if you cant even have time to yourself to even find someone. And I bet when you do find someone she will disapprove so you will be there to help her forever. Get out while you can! Or be trapped forever!

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Your 10 year old brother really needs to stop being babied. Everyone needs to grow up at some time, and at 10 he should at least know how to shower and be clean. You may think that staying and taking care of your brothers is a good thing, but all I see are boys that are being smothered with attention and are too reliant on others. Moving out will do good to everyone, your brothers can be less dependent on you and learn essential life skills, and you will be happy with your own life. Stop thinking about others, as selfish as that may sound, even if it's your own family. If you sacrifice your life for theirs, in the end they will probably live a more fulfilling life than you. My boyfriend's dad also sacrificed a lot for his family when he was younger, thinking that it was the right thing to do. But in the end everyone either screwed him over or just forgot about his generousness, and he now wishes that he would have just followed his own dreams and at least fulfilled them first before helping others fulfill theirs.
Do what makes you happy first. Move out, go to a 4 year college, get a good job, and then start thinking of how to payback your family. Your brothers will still be there, your parents will understand.

AMEN! We almost share the same story except for me is to do always be home to do chores and help out. Long story short, I got into another (and many arguments) with my dad which led to me being kicked out (for the millionth time.) Every time he would do that, he would kill a part of me because he knows that this is his way of getting to me. I've hated him for doing that before, but now I've become the bigger person and to just let that negative energy go. In relation to your situation, I really say move out. Follow your heart and gut feeling. You will truly never know until you just try and put yourself out there, like what I am doing. Fortunately, I found a place to live with my friend who has been really happy to take me in. Every thing happens for a reason, it may be hard for right now but you really got to think about the bigger picture in the long run. In fact, one day when you're successful in life with your career, you can even be a bigger help to your family than what you've been doing.
I truly feel your agony and pain. I wish you nothing less than the best!

Eulalie said: It's not helping your brothers if you keep on looking after and babying them. They'll become too dependent on you. I really think you should move out and live with your relatives. You're not planning on always working at the nail salon. Your ten year old brother needs to grow up and be more responsible and now start looking after his baby brother, he's old enough.

To take the first step into moving out, I had all my things packed and bagged in my closet.

Also, I gave away half my clothes and shoes to Goodwill. I love shopping for shoes, but having five bags of them was too much for what I plan to do. I was sad to depart with them though.

My parents do not know that I did this. They did see some bags I put in my trunk, but I slyly said I was giving away the old clothes that did not fit me anymore. I was babysitting and cleaning at home, trying to get rid or pack the stuff in my closet.

I did not have a lot of things to begin with since we had just moved here and moved previously no longer than six months ago before that. So, my things had just been limited to small amount every time we moved.

The heaviest thing I will bring with me is my sewing machine. Because my parents got me a used car (2000 Honda Civic Ex Coupe, just got my license), I am afraid to overload the car and I read the driver's manual which said that the load limit was 850 pounds.

Let me explain that when we moved in the area (since January), we had traveled by my dad's Honda Pilot and U-Haul trailer through at least ten states. I know it is risky, but I am going drive back ten states to where most my relatives are. My closest cousin lives there and she will visit my family and my other cousins in August. I am going to ask her to join my ride back instead of taking a roundtrip on plane when her visit is over. I have no worries of her accepting because I am going to live in her house like she offered every time she visited me. I am a good driver and so is she. We can do this, but I have to warn her not to pack too much. Even I am surprised how I can minimize and pack my stuff. It is not enough to fill my car, but I am taking precautions. Before we actually leave for the trip, I will drive two hours away to visit my other cousins with her. I will have my car checked by them or a mechanic, then we leave for the thirty-seven hour trip (or more if we sleep).

At the moment, I am doing what I usually do to make up for my family. And I am preparing my car. It was badly maintained so I feel the need to clean it up and actually repaint it to past time because the replaced hood has a different color and the paint has peeled (known as the "$50 car paint job"). I make these huge projects that I believe I can pull off...

Anyways, I plan to tell my parents about my decision in the middle of July so they can be ready to hire someone else in my place. I can pack my stuff in the car and leave in ten minutes, but I'll stay a bit longer for them.