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Why don't women ask men out?


Guest johnpatric

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Guest Jussy

Well for me, if I had real feelings towards somebody, I would definitely ask him out.But it never happened yet (I happen to develop feelings while in a relationship, or be asked out first). So I admit I never make the first step with guys because I just wouldn't if I'm not sure I'm really interested in them... I mean, if I find somebody attractive and charming, it doesn't mean I would necessarily want to go out with him, I need to know more about him, and I would be afraid to give him the wrong idea if I'm too straight-forward and that after much thought, I find out I don't like him that much. Dunno if that makes sense?I guess what I mean is... making the first step is too much of a hassle when I'm not even sure I really want to be romantically involved with the guy.
@writerstale : your last sentence quite relates to my point of view; if it's just about sex/flirting without consequences, then I'm fine with making the first step, but I wouldn't for something more serious if I'm not 100% sure about my feelings!

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Guest writerstale


Jussy said: Well for me, if I had real feelings towards somebody, I would definitely ask him out.But it never happened yet (I happen to develop feelings while in a relationship, or be asked out first). So I admit I never make the first step with guys because I just wouldn't if I'm not sure I'm really interested in them... I mean, if I find somebody attractive and charming, it doesn't mean I would necessarily want to go out with him, I need to know more about him, and I would be afraid to give him the wrong idea if I'm too straight-forward and that after much thought, I find out I don't like him that much. Dunno if that makes sense?I guess what I mean is... making the first step is too much of a hassle when I'm not even sure I really want to be romantically involved with the guy.
@writerstale : your last sentence quite relates to my point of view; if it's just about sex/flirting without consequences, then I'm fine with making the first step, but I wouldn't for something more serious if I'm not 100% sure about my feelings!

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Guest Jussy

Hmm I didn't see it that way.My point was, I would not hesitate to make the first step if I'm in love with somebody, but it's another story if that's just physical affinity. I wouldn't make the first step for someone I just find cute/charming because then he'll assume I'm really interested in him, which I might not be after getting to know him. But when it's just about a sexual relationship, I wouldn't mind since it's mostly physical after all and it doesn't require commitment - but that doesn't mean it wouldn't develop into something less superficial afterwards.

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Traditionally, men are supposed to be the ones to ask a woman out.These are traditions for a reason. Ask any man: do you want a woman to ask you out? DOES IT MAKE YOU FEEL MANLY? CAN YOU REALLY STEP INTO THE BATTLEFIELD WHEN YOUR WOMAN ASKED YOU OUT?
And they'll say HELL NO!

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Guest flyhigh1030

I've asked guys out on dates before.. so some of us girls do ask guys out haha I even asked out this boy in 8th grade and he became my boyfriend ;)

When I have an interest in someone I usually go and chase them until I find something I don't like and move on. It's fun to be chase but also fun to chase every now and then

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This year has been an odd one. I am unemployed. I wouldn't even date myself if I was a girl, but I got asked out by 3 girls this year so far and got stalked by one of them. Times are changing and women are showing more initiative these days. The responses above show this change in thinking.

The problem that comes up with women making the first move is that the first move can create a precedent of behaviour for the relationship and create an expectation that the woman make the first move for the rest of the relationship. This is the case for girls that ask out men with beta-type personalities. Some women like leading, but from my experience most women like the men to lead in the relationship. Friends in relationships beta-type men, the girls find it frustrating time to time. So to directly answer your question: Fear that they will end up having to lead, especially so if they are seeking a serious relationship.

In the instance that a girl does ask me out, I would show my appreciation by leading in the relationship. For example, one of the girls asked me out to a party at a restaurant. I honestly didn't want to go the party, but at the time I was conveniently sick with a flu. I rescheduled a dinner the following week, which is a more proper first date. By doing this, I reset the tone of the interaction by leading. I went out of my way to pick her up from her house (with a rental car), took her for dinner, went for bubble tea, and drove her back home. At some point, there needs to be a point where the guy needs to start leading and show initiative on his part if a girl asks him out. Everyone is different, but I'm a bit traditional in some ways.

In the end, if you want to be asked out... be interesting and confident to give a good first impression when you first meet a girl. That is the precursor to being asked out.

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The last time I asked a guy out to dinner was last year. I paid for the date too.

I do prefer the guy to ask me out instead. It's not because I'm afraid. The reason why is because I noticed that when I ask a guy out, they end up being lazy. If the guy ends up NOT leading in a relationship, my parents would question him --- if he's capable of taking care of me in the long run. Plus, I want a guy that shows that he wants me and is persistent about it.

@freedomfries Don't be too harsh on yourself. You'll get back up on your career. =) Everyone goes through rough patches.

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Women do ask men out...when they're fed up with the man not taking the initiative and wanting to do something about it. This is after getting the courage to ask out the man from talking it over with her friends. Or they don't want to get potentially rejected like men have experienced.

In my case, I am just too shy to ask anyone out.

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Guest johnpatric

Manyhx3 said: afraid of being rejected. LOL, that depends though I intend to initiate a conversation first before asking them out. Not it doesn't go that far...

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Guest motherducker

I would ask a guy out if I was really into him and knew 10000% for sure he reciprocated my feelings. I've made the intial moves before but that's because I don't like playing mind games or beating around the bush lol.

Otherwise, if it was a handsome-looking stranger I spotted out in public, I'd be too shy to approach him.

 

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Guest alphaoxytocin

For most mammals, females are evolutionarily more "choosy" than males. Although in humans, it is actually almost a 1:1 ratio, females are still the relatively choosier one in comparison to males. So women do ask men out but it is less common than men asking women out.
So "why do women ask men out less frequently?" Because they are designed by nature (hardwired by evolution) to have more power to choose. Now I am not going to go into scientific details about why that is (it has a lot to do with the way we reproduce, the way women can only be pregnant once at a time, whereas men are not restricted by this, and LOTS more of other reasons, etc. etc.), but think about it in your everyday life. If you haven't noticed... it is (way) more often the case that men become desperate for a girlfriend than women becoming desperate for a boyfriend.
So I can ask you the same question. "Why is it that the CEOs of companies almost never come to you and ask 'hey, do you need a job?'" So Imagine this. If you are the boss of your own business and you are looking to hire people, you have the power to choose. Therefore, it is only reasonable that people COME TO YOU for the job. You almost never go reach out to them for the job, unless you know a specific person that excels at the job and you need him/her. This is because you CAN BE choosy as the owner of your own business. You are not desperate because many people will be applying for the job and you have many options.
On the other hand, if you are applying for a job, you would take the initiative to go around to MANY job options and go for interviews. This is because you have less "choosing power". So you are increasing your chances by applying to more jobs. But YOU are the one who is going to companies taking the initiative to apply. Jobs don't come to you automatically.
And this is the case with men and women in terms of courtship. Men usually have to go up to women 1-by-1 because they have less choosing power. They know that just by sitting around doing nothing, they won't get anybody. But for women, there will be men hitting on them (for some, even multiple times a day). So they have more choosing power. So there is almost no need for an average woman to ask guys out. She would wait and see, out of all the guys that she interacts with (much like job interviews), who she is most attracted to. Unless... she sees a guy that is just so attractive to her that no other men can compare in her eyes.

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answered all my questions -__- esp @alphaoxytocin I always wondered why girls didn't take the initiative, but a more important question of mine was that why I was so much less picky than girls were. there was a time when I felt I could take any girl who asked me out, but girls could always reject me so easily -__- prob still true, because of what you said.

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jennibear01 said: The last time I asked a guy out to dinner was last year. I paid for the date too.

I do prefer the guy to ask me out instead. It's not because I'm afraid. The reason why is because I noticed that when I ask a guy out, they end up being lazy. If the guy ends up NOT leading in a relationship, my parents would question him --- if he's capable of taking care of me in the long run. Plus, I want a guy that shows that he wants me and is persistent about it.

@freedomfries Don't be too harsh on yourself. You'll get back up on your career. =) Everyone goes through rough patches.

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Guest alphaoxytocin

Ninshark said: answered all my questions -__- esp @alphaoxytocin I always wondered why girls didn't take the initiative, but a more important question of mine was that why I was so much less picky than girls were. there was a time when I felt I could take any girl who asked me out, but girls could always reject me so easily -__- prob still true, because of what you said.

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I dunno, some guys think you're "thirsty" if you do. Like someone said, most girls have the option to just choose. And if you're asking guys out, some assume you do that to everyone or you're just desperate. Just from personal experience, guys haven't always taken initiative from me very well. Even with my current boyfriend I'm usually the first to ask to do something together. And I've been turned down by even him sometimes. It just feels awful when you're rejected while all these other guys are sitting around saying they'd like a girl to take initiative. Well then richard simmons, where the hell are all of you? Either everyone's saying that and not really meaning it or something's wrong with me. /sighnogame 

Also: can a woman take too much initiative? 

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