Trust in a relationship

Hi fellow soompiers!

Me and my boyfriend are at a dilemma about our situation….and we’ve had this fight for over 3 years that we’ve been together. We’re both very sick of it, and haven’t come up with a solution....

 We’re currently on a long distance relationship, and been together for 5.5 years.

 A year and a bit in high school…  3.5 years undergrad, long distance relationship

1 year together… 2 months long distance again

 Here’s our problem…

I’ve always been a conservative girl and I’m quite the hermit…. it’s a personality clash :/

 I hate it when my boyfriend goes out to drink. I feel like I’m a control freak in this situation, but in my opinion, my boyfriend is very flirty. When he goes out, I think that he’s like that to the other girls and I get jealous and insecure. When I confront him about it, I always feel like it’s my fault for being so untrusting. I feel like such a green-eyed monster =(

 In the past, he’s been kissed by a girl (that likes him) on the cheek, and didn’t tell me until a few days later. He even played it like it wasn’t a big thing, I’m still upset about it to this day...He’s very friendly with others, but personally… I feel like people should maintain a certain space from others… I feel like he can be flirty and play it off like nothing is wrong...oh and he's been to a strip club

 I have no/very little trust in our relationship…

 I feel bad when he offers to stop going out at all; he makes me feel like such an antagonist…

 (he’s in med school) so he asked me today what if I don’t trust him with patients? …he sounded so mad and I felt like quite the crazy person…. I’m really offended that he asked me that...or even would think of me in that way....

 our previous solutions to this was:

-          me turning a blind eye and not caring

-          him drinking only once every two weeks

 This long distance is starting to take a toll on us, but we’re perfect for each other when we’re both in the same city. we both don’t handle this long distance well…

 so the question is…

 am i too controlling?

 Should my bf decide what's more important: me or being able to go out with his friends even though it makes me uncomfortable?

What values do you think are vital to any normal friendship? Answer that, and apply it in the context of your romantic relationship. It should form the ground basis of what you also think is important to the relationship.
From what you are telling me, you value trust and transparency a lot. Some people don't understand the distinction between these two values and erroneously confuse them as the same thing. Your bf obviously doesn't understand that transparency has certain overlap with being truthful.
If he understands your insecurity, then he should make accommodation for it if he cares about you. Alternatively, I think telling you off that it is your fault is very inconsiderate of him. For some people, e.g. myself, it is inherently in our personality to have the need to feel assured that someone is faithful/loyal. I myself have found that once there is any question in the trust of a relationship, then things are doomed no matter what action is taken to "save" it. That is partly due to my own contention that trust is difficult to redeem. From the looks of it, your bf is not even taking appropriate action; he doesn't even feel its a problem.
Perhaps its best to just let go. Just because you are in a relationship with him, does not necessarily mean you should be. I'm not saying that every relationship is gonna be all happy and dandy, of course there will be bumps along the road whereby both parties should contribute towards the resolution. Frankly, I'm not seeing that from what you are telling me.

You should decide what is more important. You need to be comfortable. Consider the social function of a bf to you. Part of that social role is to make you feel comfortable through acceptance and sense of belonging. That obviously is not happening.

Hope that helps on your decision.

rinringo said:

 I have no/very little trust in our relationship…

It's all about boundary issues. You guys have fundamentally very different personalities, and even though there might be a chance you might be slightly controlling at times, personally I think flirtatious behavior and allowing girls to kiss you ( knowing they're interested) while in a relationship is not on. He needs to respect you instead of guilt tripping you and making you out to be an overly paranoid gf. There is a reason you lack trust; he's not exactly straight up is he?

achu, bona fide*, mintcracker... thank you for all your advice. I had a good talk with the boyfriend...and we decided that our whole issue is too convoluted...
...so he decided to just give up drinking... honestly i feel guilty/controlling/manipulative/just evil when we agreed to this...but i think it's for the best >.< and i think i'm going to try to be more outgoing and trying to see things from his perspective... 
thank you again for all your advice!! highly appreciated.

If he can understand your concerns then I don't see why he can't go out and drink without being flirtatious and keep boundaries intact :\

He should know that you WANT and TRY to trust him, but his behavior makes you uncomfortable and as a result, you worry and find it hard to trust.
The fact that you're worrying about whether you're being too controlling is already a good sign It shows you aren't actually out to control him; rather, you'd just like some peace of mind hahaha.
I hope everything goes well for you!

First of all, if he knows you don't like that type of stuff then he should show that you don't have anything to worry about by either just NOT going to those things or changing the way he acts. Iono somehow prove it. I hate it when guys just "offer" and not follow up on it even when they know you don't like it. But it is also important for you to trust your bf and get to the level where you will know that he own't cheat on you. You can love someone and not trust them but loving someone and trusting them is the strongest bond. 

I hate to play the bad guy, but in my experience, super insecurity can really cloud judgement. Like all topics similar to this one, even though most of the time it's not possible, I always like to know both sides of the story.
Due to not having concrete examples and only abstract descriptions from your post, it could be that your other half is doing nothing wrong. Perhaps he's just being nice to other people, be they male or females, and the insecurity paranoia is kicking in and "being nice" is construed as "being flirty" (I've experienced this myself, I can't flirt and therefore don't flirt, but have been called flirty by paranoid folk, and it confuses the hell out of me). Some girl kissed him on the cheek? It would be worse if he kissed the girl on the cheek. I know I wouldn't stop someone because it'd be rude to say "STOP!" and besides, it's just a cheek kiss, and there's not much you can do if a girl plants one on you out of the blue.
The point is, being super insecure is what feeds paranoia. He might be a flirty guy, but paranoia has a tendency to amp it up x5. I personally think there's nothing wrong with going out, boys, girls, men, women, if they like going out then they should do what they enjoy. Unfortunately it really doesn't seem like you guys are compatible and the fact that it's mostly an LDR makes it even tougher. Personally, I think you'd both be better off with other people (from the brief information I got from the OP, please take my post with a grain of salt!) and by admitting you're a hermit, and having insecurity issues, I think another hermit will be your ideal match.
Did I say Hermit?
HERMIT?
Match made.

Sometimes it makes me feel like I should go lesbian and date another girl so i wont ever have to worry about this insecurity issue thing. *be hermit together is actually not a bad idea eh* HAHHAHAAHit seems like its always the girls who are experiencing it.
I am the same like you, been dating for 3yrs and now im in a LDR. He is the most awesome guy in the world when we are together, but during LDR, its really killing me. 

Yes I can understand you. When my bf goes clubbing Im always very EXTREMELY paranoid. I know hes like chick magnet. He can literally make all girls in the room to love him. He would also NEVER tell me when a girl is interested in him, until if it slips *somehow* and because of that I also DO NOT AND CANNOT trust him at all. 
But he always tell me, if im still with you that means i still like you, so what are you worrying for.
I think this is what keeping me away from being insane. 
So I think you along with me should be patient together, because after what seems to be endless pain, will in the end be worth it, if he really love us. 
If not, then thats a different story, but life WILL AND HAVE TO still go on!

It is really tough to trust someone. I cant trust anyone quickly because I think all boys are flirty and they always do buttering and flirting with there girlfriends I don't know I am wrong or right but sorry these are my views about boys.

Trusting someone is pretty intense when your someone like that, it takes time to trust someone even though you guys have' been together for such a long time i think its best to have a real talk with him. 

anniesialo said: It is really tough to trust someone. I cant trust anyone quickly because I think all boys are flirty and they always do buttering and flirting with there girlfriends I don't know I am wrong or right but sorry these are my views about boys.