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Ditch the b**, or work it out? CONCLUSION

mentalfictionmentalfiction ? GAZE FOREVAA ? ...lolPosts: 1,802Member
edited August 2012 in love & relationships

Warning: this is long. I think I've asked about this before but this is the final straw for me and I'm thinking of ending things.


Okay so our story starts in 2007. I was new in school but I didn't really have any problems. I made friends with everyone, and already had friends in that school from before, so this isn't one of those socially awkward kind of stories. So this girl joined a few months after. Let's call her A. It was hard for her to settle in because everyone had already sort of made friends and gotten to know each other. So, being the charitable person that I am, I decided I'd help her out. I let her sit at my table and would try to introduce her to all my other friends so that she wouldn't feel left out.


Shortly after I did this, she started to bully me. I didn't think much of it at first, but whatever chance she got she'd try to make fun of me, my name, my interests, my speech problems (I had braces fitted in at the time so I'd fumble and lisp often). Somehow, she worked me into a hole and I sort of lost all confidence and became extremely depressed (I had a lot of other problems going on with myself and my family at the time too so I had taken to self-infliction. Yeah, I know).


A did this for two years. In 2009 when we had come back from our vacations I decided that enough was enough. I started to bully her back, to show her that she isn't as tough as she thinks she is. 3 weeks of bullying, and she comes to crying and sobbing that she can't take it. Wow. 


She tried to be my friend after that for the whole year, but I'd try to avoid her as much as I could because it was a little hard to forget all the Richard Simmons she made me go through. A told me later that her father had recently died and his side of the family treated A and her mom really bad so that's why she took to bullying me. I told her it was okay. But I still didn't let her get too close. She changed a lot, she became a better person to everyone around but again, I was being cautious.


She then had a fight with this extremely popular girl in our class. She came to me and told me everything that had happened and how everyone hated her then and thought she was a Richard Simmons. I took A's side because I knew the other girl had issues and I knew she had been trying to pick a fight with A for the longest time.


2010. A and I became best friends. It was probably the best year of our friendship. We were outcasts, no one ever talked to us thanks to the thing with the popular girl (they were mad because I took A's side). We understood each other and I'd go as far as saying no one could have been better friends than the two of us. I know some people would call me naive for being friends with her but she truly redeemed herself. No one could try and break us apart and she was the best person in my life. The best person I would ever have even after all the crap that follows.


Next year, things were pretty good but we'd have our ups and downs sometimes. The popular girl had left so everyone in our class flocked to us. We tried to avoid them at first but they all apologized so we eventually warmed up to them. Now enter two other girls, B and C. B you can say was a really good friend of mine and C was a really good friend of A's. B and I would hang out when A had different classes and rarely when A was around, because A doesn't like B (sorry, I'm sure this is confusing).


C is a common friend of A's and mine, but I started noticing A would use C to make me mad. She would just hang out with C whenever I was there and would rarely acknowledge my presence. Generally, I'd be okay with this, but A would go batshit crazy if I hung out with B, even if I did it in my own time, so I didn't really see how this was fair. We had a few fights about this and A would just say that she wants to make C feel included because she used to be a loner. Fine, whatever.


Fast-forward to this year. A did this often. Use other people to irritate me. Again, I'd be fine with this, but she denies me the same right like a possessive, self-conscious girlfriend. A started to hang out with other people and I started to hang with another group, too. She'd be mad at me all the time for this even though she pulled the same Richard Simmons with me. A started taking me for granted then. She'd get mad at me for no reason, 'punish' me by not talking to me for weeks, and then just talk to me out of the blue like everything was okay.


If you don't want to read all that, this is the most relevant part:

A few days ago, my friend invited us to a sleepover. Now her mother is really strict so A knew she wouldn't be allowed to. I told her to still try because it would be fun (my parents are not that strict, something A would remind me of time and again to make me 'feel bad'). So here's the conversation that took place between us then: [not exact words]


Me: It will be fun, just ask your mom once. Bring it up to her.

A: No, you know how she is! I'm sure she'll say no. Besides, she thinks you all are useless anyway :P

Me: What does that have anything to do with this?

A: nah, she just doesn't want me to be like you guys so I'd rather not come anyways

Me: Uhm, okay. Why does she think we're useless?

A: Oh I just told her :P You know you guys are always hanging out, smoking and Richard Simmons (why she even told this to her mom idk) and whenever I'm mad at you I tell my mom you're a Richard Simmons

[whoaa. totally uncalled for]

Me: Okay? I think that's a little unfair.

A: Nah, who cares? It's my mom anyways. She doesn't want me to hang out with you 'cuz she thinks you're a bad friend.

Me: I care about what your mom thinks. In fact, even after all the crap you've put me through, I still tell her you're a good friend. It's important, believe it or not. And I'm not trying to guilt-trip you (I was)

A: Yeah I don't feel guilty anyways lol


So after this point I got kind of mad. I accused her of her thinking that I'm a liar (which I honestly felt). She told me she doesn't want to fight and that she would never think I'm a liar, and after a point I apologized for getting mad at her and accusing her, that it wasn't my place. She was fine then, but since, she hasn't spoken a word to me.


At first, she said it was because she had family problems so she isn't talking to anyone. But on Facebook, okay, I know whatever's on Facebook should be taken with a grain of salt, but even so, she'd talk to EVERYONE. Literally. Any friend we had in common she'd write on their walls about how awesome they were, how much she missed them, etc. Oh and I have tried talking to her.



Now I know in a few days she's going to start talking to me again, but honestly, I don't want to. I'm sick of her crap. But those two years that we had to ourselves were great and she was truly a great friend then. She helped me so many times when I was down, and she's the only person who knew how to make me happy when things went bad. Like there was literally a time when people would call us soulmates and twins because we were inseparable. Bottom line: I am the happiest when I am with her. The thing is, I want to end things with her because I'm exhausted, but I just feel so bad for giving up on something this wonderful. I have tried again and again to make things work with her. 


I gave her an ultimatum before. She kept to her promise like a month? I'm not saying I was perfect during our relationship, I'm not a sentimental sort of person. I wouldn't always help her because sometimes I just didn't know how. Sometimes, I just didn't want to talk to her because I didn't want to deal with her moodiness. Sometimes, I'd talk to B because I didn't trust A [after things sort of began to fall apart]. And there are a lot of other places I may have failed as a good friend. One thing I knew though, I never did anything out of spite, never did anything to intentionally hurt her except if I felt betrayed by her. A lot of the things A did to me though were to upset me. Plain and simple.


What do I do? I'm lost. Do I give her an ultimatum again? Won't she pull the same crap? Or do I just back out, no questions asked. 


Thank you so much for reading this and I'm sorry this is so long.


---

Edit: Alright just to add some clarifications. Lol I was hoping someone would pick up on it but I'll just add it here in case nobody ever does:

- From all the people we know, A, B and I are the most alike. So when A got mad when I hung out with B it was because she felt threatened by B. She was afraid I was going to leave her like all her other friends had left her.

- A hardly talked to anyone else (even C) unless we had an argument about something. It was to make me jealous.

- Again, A would only stop talking to me when we had a disagreement. She wanted to show me that I can't be without her (yeah I know, melodramatic).


I'm not trying to defend A, but I just want everyone to know that A is not an opportunist. She is a b**** and a host of other things, but she isn't as obnoxious and duplicitous as this post is making her sound. No I didn't exaggerate anything she did, but I told someone she is more naive than even possible for me. It's true. She thinks doing all this will make me stay with her longer. I hope she figures out she's wrong.


CONCLUSION:

Well I decided I'd tell A everything once she talks to me, but it doesn't look like she plans on doing that anytime soon, and I'll be out of country soon after for uni etc, so I'm just going to delete her off of everywhere and end it there. She's a big girl, she can figure out by herself what that means =/

sone x shawol x kissme x exotic__________
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Replies

  • bona fide*bona fide* Posts: 1,520Member

    IDOL

    edited August 2012
    This girl sounds so obnoxious. I don't know how you put up with her nonsense for so long. You stood by her side when no one else would and now that she has "friends" she treats you like Richard Simmons? I'd ditch her.  

    MythnoonAVanouschka
  • sunye~sunye~ japan/usaPosts: 931Member

    ROOKIE

    edited August 2012
    From what I read, this girl is an opportunist and a bully. Ditch her before it gets even more complicated and further ruins your life.

    When you said that you were happiest when you were with her, I can't help but shake my head. Then why are you suffering like this, because of her? Then why did you bully her back, out of revenge?  Don't make those few years of being best friends change your judgement. This is completely my opinion, but the most likely reason she was your "soulmate" during those few years was because she is an opportunist taking advantage of anything that would make her feel less vulnerable. She was probably using you. She sounds self-centered, quite far from a what a friend should be.  I advise you to leave this girl ASAP. You deserve a fresh start.
    Vanouschka
  • noejnoej Posts: 7Member
    Ditch her please
  • EtherealXEtherealX Posts: 11Member
    I feel like A has some confidence issues, if she keeps trying to bully you (either directly or subtly). From what I read, I don't think it's worth it for you to try and salvage the 'friendship'. I'd ditch her if I were you.
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  • mentalfictionmentalfiction ? GAZE FOREVAA ? ...lol Posts: 1,802Member
    bona fide* Your post honestly made me LOL. I didn't think many people would call her a good friend after what she did but just straight out obnoxious? Thanks for the response :)

    sunye~ When I bullied her back, it was partly out of revenge, partly just to make it stop. I'd tell her that the bullying needs to stop, that I'm being serious, and she would just laugh and continue. It was really just to show how bad bullying felt. She stopped after that. Tbh, I think A doesn't realize the things she does. I know she sounds really devious and malicious but in real life, she's nothing like that. I think after all that happened to her when she was young she thinks it's her right to be a b**** =/ She's more naive than even I am haha. I stay with her because she needs me. She doesn't know it, but I guess when I leave her for good she will.
    But the thing is, they WERE really good times. Sometimes I think back to those times and wonder what happened, how we ended up where we are. 

    noej Thanks for the read xD

    EtherealX She does. She thinks everyone hates her and that's she a b****. Well, at least the latter half is true. When she was young people used to walk all over her and after her father died, his family quite literally kicked her out of their house. She wasn't in a good place and she took it out on the first person who would give her any attention, namely me.

    Thank you everyone for the responses! I really didn't think anyone would want to read my huge sob story but you guys are great for reading AND replying. I'm just going to wait some more before I decide exactly what I'm gonna do.
    sone x shawol x kissme x exotic__________
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  • teukhaeeteukhaee Posts: 1,989Member

    IDOL

    edited August 2012
    Ditch the Richard Simmons. No questions asked. The amount of obnoxiousness is outstanding...
  • nobody knowsnobody knows what I think outof thisworldPosts: 13,077Member

    IDOL

     know she sounds really devious and malicious but in real life, she's nothing like that
    why are you defending her?


    do the few happy moments make the bullying worth it to you? why are you giving yourself so much unnecessary drama?
    she gets nasty when you give her the idea that you want her to be her friend, but is automatically nice when there's a possibility that you'll drop her as a friend. she's manipulative and mean. do you really wanna continue being friends with someone who treats you like crap?
    MythnoonA
  • mentalfictionmentalfiction ? GAZE FOREVAA ? ...lol Posts: 1,802Member
    edited August 2012
    teukhaee Heh, thanks for the response


    nobody knows I'm not trying to defend her. I'm trying to put in every thing about her so that people can understand what I'm going through. I tried my best to summarize 6 years in one post. This post leaves a lot of things out as I'm sure you can imagine. I don't want this to sound extremely one-sided that's why I'm trying to squeeze in her good qualities where I can. So frankly, my friend is an idiot. I say she isn't devious and malicious because she isn't capable of it. And also, I'd like to remind you this was 6 years of my adult life. More like THE six years of my adult life, so my judgement with her will always be clouded. Sometimes I defend her even when I don't want to. Please try to bear with me, and thanks for your input :)


    And I've been thinking about it for a while, but I decided I'll wait for her to talk to me first and then I'd let her know what I think. I won't start a fight or anything. Just let her know straight that being with her is worse than being without her. I'm not sure how she will react. So when that does happen, I'll let you guys know how it went.
    sone x shawol x kissme x exotic__________
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  • zantac_2zantac_2 sydPosts: 3,234Member

    IDOL

    most likely she will never change, if not only a little. despite her behavior, id stick with her. the only time that id consider ditching her would be the time when her actions will have drastically affected my own life. from the sounds of it, shes just annoying to you. but still a friend. the question comes down to whether you can continue to keep your patience over time.
  • Miyuki♥Miyuki♥ Posts: 356Member
    I have more than my fair share of bad friendships...they mostly ended because people took advantage of me because I was too nice. I'm not saying you should be mean or less caring but you need to learn how to let go. Yeah, you guys had your moments and all friends do argue and fight but it sounds like she deliberately tries to hurt you when things don't go her way.

    If you really want to give it another shot I would suggest emailing/talking/IMing her ASAP about how you don't like the way she has been treating you. No ultimatums. Just talk to her about how you feel. If she does not respond or keeps on ignoring you then you know you gave it your best and then move on. That's just my advice but, to me, it seems like you won't do it (or anything else differently) since your stuck in this friend-enemy cycle with her and your not willing to get out.
  • zantac_2zantac_2 sydPosts: 3,234Member

    IDOL

    i dont think shes genuinely taking advantage of him. just naive and manipulative due to her shitty past. definately no more ultimatums. it should either be cut it off or accept who she is.
  • blushblush vegasPosts: 1,738Member

    IDOL

    mentalfiction,

    Do yourself the biggest favor of your life and ditch her. I've been in a friendship like that and it was intoxicating.

    You'll be a happier and better person without an anchor like that dragging you down. She sounds like she won't ever change.
  • MusoMuso The Master Of All Pokemon! USAPosts: 2,762Member

    SUPERSTAR

    The way I see it, if she is talking bad about you to her mom, then she isn't a good friend.
    For her mom to say that you are useless and for her to laugh about it is not cool.
    It doesn't seem like she will change much so I would ditch her before it gets any worse then what it is now.
  • dot.dot. Posts: 513Member

    IDOL

    My mum thinks that my friends are a bad influence and useless as well.  She thinks that because she thinks I am more intelligent than my friends and we don't suit? (That's the word she used in chinese). 

    Anyway, with A, she honestly doesn't sound like a very good friend if she is going out of her way just to see you upset.  I wouldn't ditch her, but I would be cautious around her again.  I wouldn't try and mend your friendship, I would let her do it.  She needs to know that you don't want to put up with her crap anymore, and she is either going to start being a better friend, or she'll lose you.  Because lets be honest, who would want to stay with somebody if majority of the time, their sole intention is to get them mad?  


  • mentalfictionmentalfiction ? GAZE FOREVAA ? ...lol Posts: 1,802Member
    zantac_2 I think you understood my dilemma best. She tells me I am impatient, but she only needs to take a look at herself to know exactly how patient I am. And you're right, she isn't taking advantage of me (oh I'm a girl btw lol. That makes this weirder because she's possessive like we're dating) because every time I would remind her of her bullying she would just get this look. I'm really good at reading people so I know this isn't an act, but she would look really guilty and almost helpless and would beg me to stop talking about it. The things she did to me clearly haunt her but she continues to do them. Good at reading people or not, A confuses me.

    Miyuki♥ Haha, wow you're actually right about the friend-enemy cycle part. I couldn't end things with her before despite trying. But things will go differently this time because we only have less than a month before we move away for university. This seemed like a fitting time to end or mend things, to decide whether we want to make an effort to keep in touch or just let it be if there's nothing there anymore.

    blush That is my only fear. That she'll never change. That she'll keep on thinking that I was the reason we couldn't work out (she thinks my lack of emotion is why we fall apart, because I'm not always there for her)

    Mousy-Muso I knew her mom never liked me anyways. I am a metal fan (and how do people perceive that these days?), have piercings, rarely study (get good grades despite so hey at least it's okay), and a lot of other things that a parent may not want in their daughter's best friend, but I was hoping at least A would try to change her opinion of me. I am a nice person despite all of that, in fact, I'd like to tell A's mom that I'm a better person than her daughter is. I forgave her of a huge crime and not many people would do that these days. A thinks her telling her mom crap about me is okay, but that is sort of what inspired me to weigh our friendship and decide whether I still want to be with a person like that.

    dot. She would only try to mend our friendship after I had completely given up. She'd try to show me she's changed but we'd go back to the same cycle soon enough. I don't know if I want to believe her if she tries to do that again.

    Thanks again guys for your input! Got some different advice today so I'll have to rethink what I'm going to do :P Honestly I don't even have a clue what I'm supposed to do with A so I'll just follow your advice since you guys have an unbiased, outsider view of this.
    sone x shawol x kissme x exotic__________
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  • VanouschkaVanouschka Posts: 3Member
    She doesn't sound to take you serious after all you have done!
    You already gave her an ultimatum. If it's onesided then just ditch her or
    stay friends, but not best friends.
  • dreamskye.dreamskye. ? Noctis ? ? South PolePosts: 2,959Member

    IDOL

    Tbh A doesn't sound like a very good person from your post, but then again, I won't judge her entire character based on one post. That being said, this doesn't sound like a healthy friendship. She kinda sounds like every other spoiled teenage brat that gets upset when she doesn't get her way. Considering you're still debating whether or not to give up this friendship, I'd suggest to keep her on the ropes but not as a "best friend". Have other friends, go out with other people, try new things. You didn't mention B very much so I'm going to assume she treats you better than A. Go out with her more and become better friends with her whether or not A likes it. It's your life, not hers. If she's going to whine and cry every time you hang out with someone else, what is she going to do in the future when you can't babysit her everyday?

    Basically, don't let A be your only option. Give yourself some choices. You obviously aren't that eager to ditch this friendship as others have suggested. If it was me, I wouldn't have given this girl a chance in the first place to be my friend after she spent so much time bullying me.

    Good luck!
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  • mentalfictionmentalfiction ? GAZE FOREVAA ? ...lol Posts: 1,802Member
    Thanks dreamskye.! Well B has moved out of town. She moved out a few months ago. I'm good friends with her still though. We exchange e-mails often but I didn't tell A just for the plain fact that I know A gets mad so it's just better that she doesn't know. 
    I do have a separate group of friends like I mentioned. When things started to go downhill with A I started to include myself in that group's activities. Not uninvited of course! These group of friends were the ones I already had when I moved in to my school so I guess you can say I am going back to them. It's easier to be with them, I can be myself. With A, I would always have to be cautious and watch what I say or do around her in case she would disapprove, or get mad, or something. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I would be relieved and more at-ease when she would miss school, or wouldn't be able to make it at any get-togethers we would have. I'm good friends with C too, but sometimes I have to avoid her because I know she and A are close. 

    Vanouschka I tried that before, to revert back to simply friends, but it never worked out for us that way. We either hate each other or we love each other, there aren't any in-betweens for us. We're both too hotheaded anyways. I'm surprised we stuck it out for so long despite being who we are.
    sone x shawol x kissme x exotic__________
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  • ReplayMVPReplayMVP Mrs. Ohno V-Town, NYPosts: 604Member

    IDOL

    edited August 2012
    I've had a friend the I stuck with since 2009 and our friendship ended earlier this year. During the the 2009 times, things started off really rocky and we just could NOT get along. After a year, we were practically inseparable. She'd done things that had really hurt me but we were so chill beyond anything and there were times when I'd get jealous of her hanging with other people but I learned to let it go, but that was different, I could elaborate but not on the thread. But regardless, I had one of the best friendships of my life, no doubt about it. I didn't ditch her no matter what went down. But after things started to change when she wanted to hit an old friendship & she did something, I'm not sure I can even talk about yet, and it ruined most of my Junior Year & made me feel like I was the one at fault for everything & made me a fool in front of the school's administration. I literally was so embarrassed by what had happened that I changed my appearance completely and my whole attitude. My attitude reverted back after some months but I learned to love who I turned out to be after. Frankly, I'm actually a lot more happier now. I was held back by her now that I think about it. Now she's back with her old friend. If that hadn't happened, we would probably still be friends. We had the perfect friendship despite both of our conflicting natures. We could depend on each other for just about anything. Sometimes, I wonder what she actually thinks of me because lately she waves at me like nothing happened, or like she's trying to fix permanent scars.

    Now, here's another story involving the same girl with another girl whose my close friend, J. Ok, in this story, she's with her old friend. Ok so J had been friend with this girl since Kindergarten. They were close, but she was more chill with her old friend whom she'd known since kindergarten also. Need I mention during those times, in elementary the girl used to accuse J of bullying her but the administration didn't believe her. J's parents said that she was a bad influence but J stayed because she thought the girl needed somebody. Note that J taught me this, before anything happened to her this year. "Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me" these words were crucial to my recovery after everything had happened to me and for the times when she wanted to make things right with me. Ok, so on to her old friend. Flash forward, they stopped being friends and the became friends again after getting rid of me. By the time her old friend and J had gotten into bad habits, such as smoking and drinking. Note that J and her old friend are pretty chill. Soon, the girl became influenced by both her old friend and another girl, who doesn't play a huge role in the story. she began to smoke and drink. Junior Dinner came around and she gt drunk as uff. Her mom found out and the girl put the entire blame on J, saying that it was her who got her into smoking and drinking, which wasn't true based on what I've told so far. J ended ditching her because the girl's mom threatened to call J's fam, but it never happened. However, she felt like she had lost her integrity. J ended up telling me this and I could only say "J, weren't you the one who taught me 'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.'"? She knew it was gonna happen all over again and that she hadn't changed after all those years they spent together. In the end, she did all of this for her old friend. J ditched her. I realized later on that, what happened between us wasn't my fault either and that it was because she wanted to go back to the way things used to be, without me in it. With her and her friend.

    Ok, now why I told you all this.

    I felt sharing an experience would help you realize that even though it may not seem to be getting to that point, if she finds something of more importance, she might do something that drastically changes your life. I would elaborate more on what happened but it was all too horrible. I just don't want to see anything get to that point. It depends on what kind of person she is. But I would've never expected some I consider my best friend to ever do this to me, but it still happened. And now I realize she was willing to do this to just about anyone. And I understand how you feel about it either being loving the person or outright hating them. I personally couldn't have anything in between with this girl. In the end, I had to ditch her whether I liked it or not. Also, it's not your responsibility to change someone because it'll hurt you so much in the process. If it ends, it ends & she can blame you forever, but one day I think she'll understand why.

  • AiriinxKumoriAiriinxKumori ??????. south caliPosts: 4,035Member
    Listen, this girl is too toxic for you. I know its tragic for what happen to her in the past but you can't let her pity
    card be the reason you want to stay friends with her. You should want to stay friends with her because she can be 
    there for you and sympathize for you. Not be manipulative and etc.  She let her past define her and instead of working
    on it she takes it out on you. Its toxic. She never made the move to change and doesn't seem to want to. 

    I had a friend who was a manipulative pathological liar and she used her past [father died] to gain sympathy card
    with other people. horrible middle school years being isolated and her taking my friends. High school i gave her a second 
    chance and thought it was good until she was talking behind my back. I cut it off right then and there. And end up finding 
    a friend that was better and we remained best friends to this day. Best move I ever did cutting off that toxic friend.

    Seriously...do not fall for her pity card. There are tons of people who went through worse than her and they let it make them stronger
    not into a toxic person like her. 

    google toxic friends. Trust me. She is one.


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