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My boyfriend is acting shady, and I don't know what to think or do..

christykim194christykim194 Posts: 18Member
edited May 2012 in love & relationships
Sorry, this is quite long...

I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years and right now we are in a long distance relationship. We have already experienced long distance relationship when I was in college, but because of work, I am away from my boyfriend for a year. I am planning to move back soon though.

Anyways, I have felt that my relationship with my boyfriend was quite very stable. Recently, it became a turmoil. Because I've been dating him for so long, I can tell he is lying and when something is up. It was one Saturday where I called him a couple times, but he would ignore my phone calls. When I first called him in the afternoon, he definitely pressed the ignore button and let it go straight to voice mail. After that, I'm sure he just left it on vibrate and let it ring. He is usually the type to give me a call back or text me back, but he didn't call back and just left vague text messages. I didn't think much of what was going on because I was busy at work, but at night, I definitely felt something shady was going on. He was lying to me about something which I couldnt get my hands on. He also included one of his guyfriends into this picture of lies. Since I am far away, I had no way of figuring it out except talking to his friends about what is up. I already interrogated his friend asking if he really hanged out with my boyfriend that night or if he was cheating on me. He was obviously helping my boyfriend and lying to me, but I already caught his guyfriend in this lie and his friend apologized to me about it.

However, my boyfriend and his friend are not telling me what the hell happened that day. They are both telling me he definitely did not cheat either. However, he was definitely with someone that day and they are not telling me the details.

It is driving me insane because I just want my boyfriend to be a little more honest towards me. I told him that I have been honest with him about everything, about the guys I meet, and what they say and what not because I used to be a little shady towards my boyfriend about meeting my guyfriends when I was younger. However, I changed and became very open about who I meet, what they are like, and etc. This definitely helped him to know that I really loved him and now, he doesn't really care what I do and who I meet because he trusts me.

It just seems my boyfriend hides certain things from me because he thinks I'll get mad or ... I have no idea why? I don't know why he can't be more honest to me. Few years ago, I found out that he went to strip club, which I wouldn't have cared if he told me, but because I was the last to know out of his friends and his family, I was a little disappointed. Then this past february when i went to visit him, he was smoking and he was trying to lie to my face about it. My boyfriend used to smoke when we first dated, but he quit due to parents, health, etc. I was able to tell because when I kissed him, his mouth smelled like smoke and so did his fingers. I always end up finding out all the shady things he does... THE HARD WAY..

I told him that from now on out, we are adults and we'll be meeting different people from work, friends, and etc, and I have to learn to accept all things. And I told him that we need to communicate and be honest for this relationship to work. He obviously was pissed off at me for being up on his Richard Simmons, and I definitely felt that this wasn't going to last if I kept bothering him about it.

So I let it go and told him that I hope he will tell me the truth one day. Which I just dont understand why he can't tell it to me now. If he had just told me the truth from the beginning about whatever it is, we wouldnt go through all this argument. So now, I have to wait for him to tell me, but it is eating me away slowly. We are in good terms together now since i am "forgetting" about it, but I just can't help but feel like Richard Simmons that he's still not going to tell me and I have to wait for it whenever or however long it will be. I feel so frustrated inside that I now started smoking again. I can't ask him again since he'll hate me. What am I supposed to do? Just wait it out?
I know it seems like I'm totally up on my boyfriends Richard Simmons and dont give him space, but I usually dont care what he does until I get that intuition that he's hiding something or being shady to me.

I just feel that this 6+ relationship is falling apart slowly. I really want to fix it and keep it stable again. Anyone have any advice on what to do?


hikari619

Replies

  • Ryuzaki101Ryuzaki101 Posts: 91Member
    You guys need to talk.Couples aren't meant to to be perfect.he should knw you by nao..
    Always.Keep.The.Faith
    _GLITCH_Heart.nettinatran_
  • Ryuzaki101Ryuzaki101 Posts: 91Member
    You guys need to talk.Couples aren't meant to to be perfect.he should knw you by nao..
    Always.Keep.The.Faith
    Heart.net
  • cakiescakies Posts: 19Member

    ROOKIE

    I have been in a similar situation. I talked to my bf about it, but it did not work out at all. He just kept denying and denying telling me that it was just me. I couldn't say anything more, because I had no proof. Maybe you can try talking to him about it, but hopefully he is not that good of a liar. Maybe ask him what he was doing that day casually a few times and see how he reacts and whether his story matches up. Hope everything goes well for you.
  • BorderacBorderac Posts: 85Member
    I'm not in your situation nor do I'm in a relationship. But I can share my experience and give you a mere exposure of context which I can advice on.

    I believe it is not about how long you've been into a relationship. You can't presume or by intuition to comprehend a serious relationship. Long distance relationship is always a negative decision, because both person needs to communicate and establish mutual understanding on both end in an most realistic form.

    A person's lifestyle and characteristic plays an critical role in maintaining a relationship apart from physical attraction and momentarily behaviors. In a relationship, both person must have the equal responsibility for one another. Got to have a balance, knowing when do you "really need to care" and when not to care too much. You can't have a mentality when a negative factor occur and you just turn your head away. In another word, do not be blinded by love.

    "Mutual" respect is important in a marriage so does in a relationship, if one does not honor respect and dignify it. You'll often find yourself in pointless arguments over and over again. In a relationship, you'll also need to explore the meaning of "Love" continuously . Because you're not walking blindly on the road with someone.

    When you love someone, you're ought to find all the weaknesses about that person and not only the plus points. Not to criticize it, but knowing your strengths to supplement his/her weaknesses. If he/she or yourself does not have such a practice, then you've to do some rational self reflections. Knowing what is really good for your future. And do not let your parents nature you in vain. You got to bare in mind, you can always find someone else better in this world. It is not about time. Keep growing and mature yourself constantly.
    Heart.net
  • christykim194christykim194 Posts: 18Member
    cakies wrote: »
    I have been in a similar situation. I talked to my bf about it, but it did not work out at all. He just kept denying and denying telling me that it was just me. I couldn't say anything more, because I had no proof. Maybe you can try talking to him about it, but hopefully he is not that good of a liar. Maybe ask him what he was doing that day casually a few times and see how he reacts and whether his story matches up. Hope everything goes well for you.

    Yeah, my boyfriend denied it many times and he's thinks it's all in my head and its all me.. We've been in an argument for a good 4 days about this situation and other things included. It just seemed that if I kept going on, he would have enough of me and just break up. So, I just told him that I'll just wait until you let me know. Can I ask if you ever found out about the situation? and if things are still ok with you and your bf? Im acting normal to him, but inside it's like blehhh.


    Borderac wrote: »
    I'm not in your situation nor do I'm in a relationship. But I can share my experience and give you a mere exposure of context which I can advice on.

    I believe it is not about how long you've been into a relationship. You can't presume or by intuition to comprehend a serious relationship. Long distance relationship is always a negative decision, because both person needs to communicate and establish mutual understanding on both end in an most realistic form.

    A person's lifestyle and characteristic plays an critical role in maintaining a relationship apart from physical attraction and momentarily behaviors. In a relationship, both person must have the equal responsibility for one another. Got to have a balance, knowing when do you "really need to care" and when not to care too much. You can't have a mentality when a negative factor occur and you just turn your head away. In another word, do not be blinded by love.

    "Mutual" respect is important in a marriage so does in a relationship, if one does not honor respect and dignify it. You'll often find yourself in pointless arguments over and over again. In a relationship, you'll also need to explore the meaning of "Love" continuously . Because you're not walking blindly on the road with someone.

    When you love someone, you're ought to find all the weaknesses about that person and not only the plus points. Not to criticize it, but knowing your strengths to supplement his/her weaknesses. If he/she or yourself does not have such a practice, then you've to do some rational self reflections. Knowing what is really good for your future. And do not let your parents nature you in vain. You got to bare in mind, you can always find someone else better in this world. It is not about time. Keep growing and mature yourself constantly.

    Thanks for your insightful words of advice Borderac. I really needed to hear that. I know that there are still so much I need to experience and mature on, and I have been thinking about where this relationship is going. I know that mutual respect, trust, etc. all needs to be intact for maintaining this relationship. I believe i have changed my ways to respect his lifestyle and maybe he has too, but lately, its just been a disaster. I just feel he's not giving it his all. And so, I am thinking about where this will take me and if I need to let go. It's just he's been in my life for such a long time, and I don't know how I can cut him out of my life. But right now, I'm still really in love with this guy, so I am willing to keep this relationship intact. But if things just keep getting worse, I guess I have to take the other option. Hopefully, it will get better right?
  • BorderacBorderac Posts: 85Member
    Thanks for your insightful words of advice Borderac. I really needed to hear that. I know that there are still so much I need to experience and mature on, and I have been thinking about where this relationship is going. I know that mutual respect, trust, etc. all needs to be intact for maintaining this relationship. I believe i have changed my ways to respect his lifestyle and maybe he has too, but lately, its just been a disaster. I just feel he's not giving it his all. And so, I am thinking about where this will take me and if I need to let go. It's just he's been in my life for such a long time, and I don't know how I can cut him out of my life. But right now, I'm still really in love with this guy, so I am willing to keep this relationship intact. But if things just keep getting worse, I guess I have to take the other option. Hopefully, it will get better right?

    When things isn't right, you can't deceive yourself and hope. You got to think rational about the situation. Often people in relationship dilemma traps within it, thinking it will be ok even it seems not to be. The best people to talk about this matter, is your family or relatives. These are the people you can rely on and seek sensible opinions if it is deem to be logically affirmative.
  • christykim194christykim194 Posts: 18Member
    Thanks Borderac, I just told him I needed a break, and I'm leaning towards a break up. I've been so blinded with this relationship and hoping it'll work out. I should just let it go and move on. If we were meant to be, I'm sure something will happen.

    itrayya
  • kelliecubekelliecube Posts: 99Member
    Your down with your boy going to strip clubs? You must be super secure.
  • quarter.lifequarter.life Posts: 271Member

    ROOKIE

    Your down with your boy going to strip clubs? You must be super secure.
    it's all about trust.
    quite honestly i wouldn't care of my s/o went to strip clubs either. 
    i don't think it's that big of a deal.

    as for the situation, i completely agree with borderac, can't always be hoping for the best and think it will turn out ok.
    if you really have the intuition that you say you have and he is keeping something (bad) from you and if he is just lying to your face about it, then personally it's better to stop it now then to drag it out
  • TeaHouseTeaHouse Posts: 380Member

    IDOL

    @christykim194 you are taking it pretty well and being really mature about it. if someone was to give up that many years in there relationship, they would be breaking down and not knowing what to do without there partner. 

    If you feel in your heart that he is being shady and plus he does sound like he is shady from what you are saying, then do what you feel is right for yourself. don't drag it on any further, you will realize that you could have spent that time to focus on things that really should matter in your life...something that could be your future. 

    what i don't understand is that his friend says he isn't cheating but he won't tell you what is going on. unless he is buying you a bloody ring and keeping that a secret, i don't understand what the big deal about hiding these things from you and also not calling you back or texting you. 

    i wish you good luck in the future and hopefully if you do work it out, then great, but if you end up taking the break up road, i hope you find someone who would treasure you and not keep secrets from you like that. 
  • christykim194christykim194 Posts: 18Member

    So, he finally told me the truth. My boyfriend doesn't really have any girlfriends, so he said that he was so afraid to tell me that he was going to chill with a female coworker because he wasn't sure how I will handle it. I guess I kind of understand where he is coming from because I was never placed in that position, but I have told him that if you actually told me about this girl and said they were only friends and they wanted to just spend the day as friends, I think I would have accepted it. But the fact that he was lying to me obviously made things worse.

    I did tell him we should just let go of each other but I can't help but to have part of me want him back. He was crying when I said that and it breaks my heart. ugh..

  • TeaHouseTeaHouse Posts: 380Member

    IDOL

    well, most girls would misunderstand and think that there is really something going on between those two (him and his coworker) even though the guy will deny it, i guess he didn't think you were that understanding after all those years. 

    a part of you want him back because its been 6 years...that is a long time, you shared your life with this person and that person turned out to be one of the best friend you could ever have...not having that person to confide in anymore really sucks. is there any way you could still be friends with him? would he even accept that? it would be hard, but then if there is a mutual understanding and both parties are willing to work it out that way, then you don't have that "feeling" anymore because he would still be there for you...

    though that is how i feel. I went through something ALMOST like you...though i didn't have the issue with the lying since he had always been honest with me, but after years of going out, (yes he was crying too) we didn't want to lose that close bond...we still talk about almost anything...an i am so happy i still have him as a friend. 

    i wish you the best. 
  • itrayyaitrayya latchkey princess. California.Posts: 7,221Friend of Soompi

    IDOL

    So, he finally told me the truth. My boyfriend doesn't really have any girlfriends, so he said that he was so afraid to tell me that he was going to chill with a female coworker because he wasn't sure how I will handle it. I guess I kind of understand where he is coming from because I was never placed in that position, but I have told him that if you actually told me about this girl and said they were only friends and they wanted to just spend the day as friends, I think I would have accepted it. But the fact that he was lying to me obviously made things worse.

    I did tell him we should just let go of each other but I can't help but to have part of me want him back. He was crying when I said that and it breaks my heart. ugh..


    ^ but he should know that.... 6 years of relationship, he should at least be able to tell you something that simple. i understand if it was just the start of a new relationship and he's considerate of your feelings, but even after 6 years, he SHOULD be honest with you whether you like it or not.

    it's like.... when you're away from your significant other, you trust that they make the 'best' call for his/herself AND ultimately for the relationship. of course there'll be times when one might be scared to be honest because of fear of the reaction, but i say just be honest all the way through. because if your other is mature enough he/she would appreciate your honesty and deal with it maturely.

    if i were you, i would take a break. maybe not so much for me but maybe for him. sometimes a break will give you time and space to see where you really stand and or where you'll be willing to stand.

    good luck.
  • _Amanda_Amanda NetherlandsPosts: 115Member
    edited June 2012
    (edited & taken out)
  • MentorMentor Posts: 424Member, New Member

    IDOL

      See if he's willing to visit a marriage counselor. Long distance relationships are really hard to keep together. If you can't talk things out then there is no point to forgiving him. No point to being with someone you can't trust.
      If it were easy, then everybody would be doing it.
  • KeHAEaKeHAEa Kris! <\3 USAPosts: 1,210Friend of Soompi

    IDOL

    Even if he was hanging out with his female co-worker, he should have taken at least one of your calls...
    It's like he didn't want that co-worker to know he had a girlfriend or something...
    If you guys have been together for 6 years, I don't buy what he said at all, about not being able to handle chilling with his co-worker?
    And why would he have his friend lie for him if it were something this insignificant? Obviously he purposely told his friend to cover for him. If he was just really only hanging out he shouldn't have been that worried.
    The whole situation sounds fishy... you need to have a good talk with him.
    image
    X: ~ <3 ~ :D FourOneOne~! :D ~ <3 ~ X:
  • yoon001yoon001 hawaiiPosts: 241Member
    Not answering your phone when you're out with someone is a sign of RESPECT, not a sign of being shady. 

    You say you think you would have accepted. That means you could have blown up at him as well, which is the very reason he was hesitant about not telling you in the first place. 

    Oh and don't take "breaks" You either break up or stay together. The whole taking a break Richard Simmons just means you want to go out and see other people, but have the safety net of your original dude. Make it clean if you're going to break it off. 

    Just my 2cents
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